Here are some holiday tips, based on mistakes I’ve made and others I’ve observed:
Do not give a 3-year-old a gift card instead of a toy because you didn’t have time to shop. They will cry regardless of the amount.
Family parties are not the place to blindside someone by bringing up an embarrassing story … unless it’s really funny.
If someone gives you a box of candy, do not immediately exclaim, “Great. I can bring this to my next party!”
The secret to a successful party is for the hosts to be relaxed but still conscious.
Don’t make a speech about how itchy wool sweaters can be just before your sister hands you one.
At any holiday gathering, you’ll have more fun asking people questions than telling your stories.
If your brain tells you that one more drink will make you feel even better, it’s time for coffee.
It’s best not to criticize your host’s main dish until you’ve tasted it. Tofu turkey can be amazing.
Don’t be disappointed when the holidays don’t magically transform your relatives into the people you want them to be. Besides, it wouldn’t be Christmas without Aunt Helen complaining about her hip.
If you come from a big family with a wide age range, each person’s view is valid. No one has a monopoly on reality — or knows who really broke the picture window.
Gift-ripping jamborees were great growing up but thanks to inflation we now take turns.
Small talk can be exhausting. That’s why we need football and sentimental movies to watch.
Even though you took psychology in high school and a glass of Merlot makes you even smarter, leave the mental diagnosis of siblings to professionals.
When you seat yourself at a table, I recommend the middle, because you’ll have more people to talk to. Also, wedge yourself into a spot where no one can ask you to get up and help.
Clearing the dishes is a conversation-killer. It’s best to linger a while until everyone’s done discussing the TV series they’re streaming.
I don’t like when people make flat-out pronouncements that a certain movie or book is good. Just say you liked it.
Setting a place for a foreign student or another non-family member can enhance the holiday. I’ll never forget the fun we had with the Iranian students we hosted at the height of the hostage crisis.
Gossiping can be as delicious as sweet potato casserole, but it leaves a bitter aftertaste.
My wife and I have a policy of not giving practical things as presents. I’m still recovering from the time my mother gave me a space heater for Christmas.
Naps are not permitted during a holiday party, but sometimes I wish they were.
As hosts, we always remind ourselves that we’re not responsible for whether our guests have fun. We can only provide them with food, drinks and hints when it’s time to go.
Merry Christmas and remember: Every time you donate to the “Review” an angel gets his wings.
John Rice is a Forest Park resident who grew up in Oak Park. He writes a weekly column for the Forest Park Review, a Growing Community Media publication.