An invasion of red-eyed monster insects buried for over a decade and a half, climbing out of the dirt and into our trees?
Nonsense! Bugwash!
Sleepyheads sucking on tree roots? The Rip Van Winkles of the insect world? With an internal alarm clock set for exactly 17 years? Preposterous!
I was around in 2007 … and 1990 … and 1973 … even 1956. I don’t remember being invaded by any buzzing brood.
If you agree, then join our ranks — proud, free-thinking cicada-deniers. Let everyone else get lathered up over the Cicada-pocalypse. We know fake news when we see it, and we know the likely perpetrator: The guvamint is behind this. By “we” I mean denial support groups springing up all over this great land of ours.
You and Me, Cicada Free. It’s 1999 all over again. I’m OK, You’re Y2K. Nothing happened, right?
This is just another guvamint (or commie) plot to control us and keep us cowering inside, instead of enjoying the free, fresh, God-given, All-American air.
What a story they cooked up! Red-eyed prehistoric insects, like something out of a B (as in bug) horror movie. Millions of creepy crawlers, incubating for 17 years (a prime number, no less), making a dramatic entrance and enough noise to drown out our All-American leafblowers, which are protected by the Almighty Second Amendment.
Is that even believable?
We here at Cicada Deniers believe the racket is easily explained: it comes from tiny speakers, installed by the guvamint in all our trees to keep us off balance and out of focus.
That’s far more believable than people covering their young trees with wedding veils, making them look more like blushing brides ready for church. Someone is getting rich on that idea. Probably the guvamint. Reminds us of that phony baloney COVID, warning us to cover our All-American mouths with masks, messing with our free speech, and trying to scare us into getting vaccinated. Mind control. Just watch, they’ll be announcing a cicada vaccine any day now.
After hibernating for 17 years, these critters allegedly crawl out of God’s good earth and within 10 minutes they’re swallowed by hungry sparrows. What kind of life is that? Is that what the Bible meant by taking care of the sparrows in the field? This makes a mockery of God’s beautiful plan for creation. How could the Supreme Being possibly create something as ugly as a cicada? It could only spring from the twisted imaginations of secular atheists. If birds were feasting on these monsters, we’d surely find them lying on their backs and groaning, “I can’t believe I ate the whole thing!”
Non-deniers say, what about all those images in the media? We say, artificial intelligence! Funded by the guvamint! Suspicious, isn’t it, that all this should occur right after the so-called “COVID” pandemic. We believe COVID stands for Cicadas’ Outrageous Virtual Insect Deployment, a covert guvamint operation. Probably code for the next phase of the Great Mind Control experiment.
Next thing you know we’ll be inundated with video games and movies about insecticidal maniacs taking over the world, fanning the flames of our fears. In fact, as I write this in one of our cicada-free parks, three black helicopters just flew past. No kidding. They’re probably overseeing the distribution and installation of mechanical devices, dropping them into trees, designed to look like cicadas, powerful noise-making speakers inside, programmed with subliminal messages.
Who knows what they might be telling us to do. “Vote Democratic. Don’t vote for RFK Jr. He has a worm hole in his brain.”
This sort of thing has been going on a long time. It started with iodine in our salt, then fluoride in our water, then vaccines, then artificial sweeteners polluting our precious bodily fluids, then signals from outer space filtering through the fillings in our teeth, then communism, then Mr. Rogers and Sesame Street brainwashing our youth, then the internet, then Black Lives Matter, then mail-in voting.
Cicadas are our latest worm hole. Next thing you know, they’ll be trying to convince us that people actually walked on the moon!
Cicadas are the new celebrities. They’re sexier than Taylor Swift. Nature in general is becoming “The Show.” Total eclipses, northern lights, and now the Cicada Invasion. It’s bigger than the Beatles Invasion. But nature also brings wildfires, drought, floods, tornadoes and hurricanes. And now, coming to a theater near you, Pestilence! Who knows how long the cicada craze will last? But as we in the Denial Movement like to say, “When life overwhelms, deny!”
You say cicaydas, I say cicahdas, let’s call the whole thing off.
That’s what we do in our free-thinker cicada-denier support groups. We’re really good at it. We practice by denying each other until we end up alone in the room.
You may say we’re contrarians, but we’re not the only ones. Someday you’ll join us and the world will be cicada-free. Pay no attention to those bugs behind the bushes. Human denial is the greatest force in the universe — or would be if we believed in the universe. Denial is how people can wear shorts on a 20-degree day!
Denial has worked with climate change.
So far, so good.