One of the winter survival tips I came across was “Make a List of Lessons Learned.” Here are mine:
Wearing a beret adds 10 points to your IQ.
Nothing sounds phonier than opera laughter.
The Cook County soda tax freed me from years of dependence on diet pop.
The merchants of Oak Park, charging a dime for a bag, ended my lifelong addiction to shopping bags.
“Two wrongs don’t make a right” was a sacred truth I learned growing up. I couldn’t defend my wrongdoing by pointing out another’s misdeeds. When did that go out the window?
Never borrow against your house. Never borrow money from family and friends. It’s OK to borrow a tool from a neighbor, as long as you return it — before they move.
It’s all right to put off today what you can do tomorrow, as long as it’s not a sink full of dishes.
Asking questions can be more fun than telling stories.
Is there a stupider timeout than the 2-minute warning?
Memorizing user names and passwords is the most maddening aspect of modern life.
Friends don’t let friends text drunk.
If you’re tired of being cold in Chicago, wear thermal underwear at least six months of the year.
If you want to change someone’s mind, start out by agreeing with them.
Don’t judge another person’s motives, unless they’ve committed a crime.
If you resent your parents, tell them off … while you still have the chance.
Do not use the silent treatment on anyone, unless they’re hitting you up for money to take the el.
Never read someone else’s email, even if you’re related by marriage.
If they had those face guards that infielders wear today, I would have charged every ground ball.
Official reviews may be getting the calls right, but they are ruining sports.
Christmas decorations should be down in time for the St. Pat’s Parade.
If something seems too good to be true, it probably involves an undercover cop.
Never tell a lie that can be checked.
People used to want sex, drugs, and rock-and-roll. Now they’re content with cuddling, popping an antacid, and listening to Celine Dion.
Teach your kids how to handle money or they’ll be rooming with you the rest of your life.
Acting dumb will get you further in life than being a know-it-all.
Don’t leave your car running unattended, unless you’re really sick of it.
If you belch, excuse yourself. Even if there’s no one around to hear it.
When we pass tougher laws to punish criminals, we also erode the rights of the innocent.
Ask not what your country can do for you, but what the heck is going on in this country?
Buy newspapers, while you still can.