The extremely personal process – and timing – of coming out as an LGBTQ (Lesbian, Gay, Transgender, Bi-sexual, Questioning) person to family, friends and co-workers can be frightening, or a struggle, for some.
However, coming out, even if it is only to one’s self at first, will change your life, say five working professionals who in their own words agreed to share their experience.
Rev. Shawn Schreiner, 54
Rector, Grace Episcopal Church in Oak Park
“I was 30, and in seminary, and one of the strongest memories that I have is the day one of my classmates coming to tell me that she would love to be in a long-term relationship. She told me she had met this person that she thought she could spend the rest of her life with. Then she went on to say it was me.
“I went back to her later and said that I really appreciated that she was able to share that story with me, and that she was opening my eyes to something that I had needed to look at for a really long time. But, I was not interested in a relationship with her. I think at that point I already knew, and I had a clear idea of that there might be somebody else that I was interested in.
“I came out to two of my siblings, my sisters, on voice mail, and I called my brother. They just didn’t answer the phone. I was prepared to talk to them, although I was pretty nervous.
“So, I am thinking, oh, thank you God, they did not answer the phone. Next day I had flowers in the mail from my sisters, accompanied with all these questions about why didn’t you tell us. I said, it was because I was afraid of what you might think, which was hurtful to them.”
Jef Anderson, 46
Co-owner of Yearbook in Forest Park
“I came out to my parents when I was 18 years old. I told my father first and it was a very awkward situation. I remember he made a remark about how he wouldn’t expect that kind of behavior from me – that he didn’t think it was possible. But I confirmed that it was the truth and he was devastated. Both my parents took it very hard. It was extremely difficult to see them so emotional and upset.
“Being gay can be strengthening, because you have to reach so deep inside yourself to dispel all the negative stuff that is being said against you, especially when it’s coming from the people you really love. But, I think, looking back at my coming out to them so early on, making that decision probably gave me the strength to take more risks throughout my life – including my business.
“I have an extraordinary relationship with my parents today. They are completely accepting and they absolutely love my partner, Noel. I don’t regret for one minute the years when my parents were less receptive to who I was, because, we worked through it. Sometimes what you really want doesn’t happen right away. Everybody needs their own time. If you stay strong and have faith, and understand that those on the other side of the fence are struggling themselves, you’ll find that the world does turn and life has a way of working things out.”
Tia Etu, 52
Artist and owner of Whatever Comes to Mind in Oak Park
“When I was in high school, about 15, I was into my gym teachers, and things like that. I was obsessing over them. It was like I would love to go to sleep, and I would think about them, and things like that. At the time, I really didn’t register what that was until I was dating a guy, who, you know, was really a great guy.
“I just kept thinking: Something is missing, something is missing. Then one night, it just dawned on me that I was a lesbian. It was the happiest feeling in my life, because all of a sudden, some door had opened, because some sense had been made as to, you know, who I am.
“At that time, people did not really talk about things, and your family kind of hoped you would get out of it, because it was a phase. And, I think my family had to accept me in a lot of ways. I was different. I was a person who wanted to be an artist, and I dressed all weird — they had a lot to adjust to in their world.
“It affects my art in a way that my art is strong. My colors are bold, and everything is dominant, clear. So much so, that people tell me that when they see my paintings or murals, they know it was my work. I am always drawing trees, because trees are so grounded, and it represents how I feel about myself, as fragile as I am. So because I know who I am, I feel very rooted, grounded.”
David J. Seleb, 48
Executive director, Oak Park Public Library
“I am quite sure, positive that most people in my life, especially those who were close to me, knew that I was homosexual, but I did not choose to tell anyone at all until I was 38 years old. Up until that time, I had lived a pretty private and solitary life, except for a few friends and family members. I was close to my family, as well, and that was great.
“I met the man that I am married to now, and fell in love. We had a civil union ceremony a little over three years ago, and got married this past February.
“When we fell in love, and we began sharing our life together, I knew that that is what I needed and wanted to do. I told my family first, and then slowly and quietly came out to those who were closest to me, more family, my co-workers, and then one day, I just realized that I was living my life completely openly and was not interested in keeping that a secret anymore.
“When I realized that, it was a very liberating thing for me, it undoubtedly led to a life that I am leading now, that is much richer, much fuller, much happier and much more full of love than I really ever frankly thought it would be. At that point there was just no question that we were going to do that publicly.”
Barb Sessler, 46
Controller, Revolution Brewing in Chicago
“I knew I was a lesbian at a very young age, probably around 12 or 13 years old. But, I was raised Catholic, so I went through life thinking that people don’t do that. Being a lesbian is just not something that is OK. In high school, it was kind of funny, because it was my mother’s desire to keep me away from boys, and she put me in an all-girl Catholic school.
“In my 20s, I was working for an ad agency, and the first person I came out to was actually someone who worked at the ad agency as well. His name was David, and I suspected that he was gay. He and I used to go out for drinks after work pretty frequently.
“One day, he said ‘I am sorry, but it is just not going to work out between us because I am gay.’ Without even thinking, I said something like, ‘David, you idiot. I am not interested in you. I am gay, too.’
“It just came out, but it was a very comfortable moment. I was 24, and he had the best possible reaction. He stood up, had this big smile on his face and hugged me. At the time I wasn’t very out in the workplace, only with him, and a few close friends, because I felt safe. I did begin a relationship with a woman when I was 25. I was not extremely vocal about it at work, but I had allies at work, and close friends who knew, and there was a safety net for me in that.”