With entertainment (that includes sports) currently and creatively in a downward tailspin?#34;reality television, NBA brawls, MLB players on steroids, and “Christmas with the Kranks”?#34;is it any wonder how difficult it is to find something that piques our interest without deluding it? It’s difficult to know what’s real, what’s enhanced, what’s considered tasteful, who’s lip-synching, who’s at fault for melees, what exactly do the words “authentic” or “genuine” mean? To put it mildly, we’re plagued. 

That’s why I’ve come up with a new form of mind therapy that will help us decipher what is truly true and what is absolutely, unequivocally, without-a-doubt false. After you undergo this therapy, which, by the way, is under review by the Psychology Department at NYU for further development, you should be able to do a few things: Realize that Fear Factor is indeed diabolical; that we’re a vain, gullible and nave society; and that the Cubs are cursed not by a Billy-goat but by a performance-enhanced Chihuahua.

If, at any time, during this therapy you begin to feel faint or flatulent, please discontinue the process (and step outside, if applicable).

Let’s begin:

Please circle “T” if you believe the corresponding statement to be true, or “F” if you believe the statement to be false. Note: Not circling insinuates aptitude impairment. Yes, this therapy is more like a quiz.  

T F  Before consuming enormous amounts of performance-enhancing drugs to further his baseball career, Jason Giambi was Janine Giambi, a petite homemaker from Baton Rouge.

T F  Ron Artest was only showing a few fans how to dance to rap music when he leapt into the stands and began flaying his fists wildly.

T F  The assistant to Notre Dame’s president reportedly shaved her head to protest Tyrone Willingham’s firing as football coach. It brings new meaning to the “Golden Dome.”

T F  After paying to thaw out Ted Williams for Game 7, the Cubs will defeat Mutant Martians on Mars to win their first World Series in 9,756 eons.

T F  The Bears signed Joe Montana, Warren Moon and Dan Marino to backup Jeff George for the remainder of the 2004 season.

T F  The only thing Jason (formally Janine) Giambi, Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, and Gary Sheffield have in common is that they all like domestic cheese. 

T F  No one even knew the NBA season began until the infamous “basketbrawl.” 

T F  Kentucky Derby winner Smarty Jones testified to the grand jury in the BALCO investigation that he did not know the cream his jockey was rubbing gently on his hind contained performance-enhancing drugs. “It did though draw more flies to my [backside],” the disgruntled horse was quoted as saying.

T F  Latrell Sprewell is humble, dignified, noble, courteous, and righteous. It’s for certain the Minnesota Timberwolves player, who claimed he needed to feed his family when threatening a lockout if his multi-million dollar contract wasn’t renegotiated, has a future in politics. 

T F  With fans getting beat up by basketball players, and steroids a recreational drug in baseball, Pete Rose’s gambling faux pas seems more trivial than ever now.

T F  This is the most exciting hockey season ever. 

T F  Retired NFL standout Ricky Williams is currently enrolled in a 17-month course at the California College of Ayurveda, studying holistic medicine.

Answers: Except for the final statement being true, everything else cannot be determined at this time.

Feeling better yet? 

contact: bspencer@wjinc.com

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Brad Spencer

Brad Spencer has been covering sports in and around Oak Park for more than a decade, which means the young athletes he once covered in high school are now out of college and at home living with their parents...