Let the wise also hear and gain in learning, and the discerning to acquire skill.
Proverbs 1:5
We all listen differently, and we all like to be heard.
When I had a troubling situation or vexing decision to run past my parents, Mom and Dad listened to me, but each did so in her or his own way. Mom listened from a faith standpoint and focused on how I was feeling and what might be troubling me as I mulled over what was happening. Dad didn’t ignore my emotions, but what he listened for was honed by his conservative political views and his traditional Catholicism: Was I in danger of getting something wrong from the standpoint of classical morality or Catholic beliefs?
As their hybrid, I have my own way of taking in what I hear. I deploy some of their tendencies but have discovered others as well. I’ve learned that as an “introvert” and an “intuitive,” I’m inclined to first internalize what I experience, including what I hear, and then let it stir unconsciously for a while. You might say that my soul keeps listening inside to newly arrived communications, but on the outside, my ego’s attention has shifted to other things. That’s the introvert in me. And as an intuitive, I’m inclined to lean into ideas and conceptual insights more than practical observations. As a result, my listening style outwardly exhibits longer stretches of silence on my part, and when I do respond, it shows more focus on the others’ ideas, rather than behavioral details they might have shared.
I like to listen. And I appreciate being listened to, especially when the other is doing so with empathy. Just as there are varied ways of listening, there are different forms of empathy.
Daniel Goleman differentiates emotional, cognitive and compassionate empathy:
- Emotional empathy helps one understand the other by reading his or her feelings.
- Cognitive empathy focuses more on the other’s thought process.
- Compassionate empathy shapes one’s understanding of the other so that one can be helpful.
Each form, in fact, is somewhat like what I experienced with Mom and Dad; with Mom emphasizing the emotional, Dad the cognitive, and each in their own way incorporating the compassionate approach.
Mostly, the listening I’ve done in my life has come naturally without labeling it as such. But in recent months, I’ve become engaged in a beginning initiative locally in our Oak Park Catholic community referred to simply as “listening sessions.” Along with a few colleagues, I’ve become interested in listening with empathy to the different kinds of faith journeys that individuals have traveled.
My own faith journey began Catholic. And I am now again a practicing Catholic. I’ve always followed Christ in some fashion but have done so with different institutional affiliations: I’ve been unchurched, a member of a United Church of Christ community (where our four kids were baptized), and a participant in two different Unitarian churches.
Certain pivotal moments along the way shifted my standpoint toward Jesus. One of the most memorable incidents occurred when a sidewalk preacher on campus confronted me about whether I had a personal relationship with Christ. My traditional, Catholic upbringing had never pressed me on that question. I left that encounter a changed young man.
This is also, possibly, a pivotal time in the life of the Church. As I told a July gathering of “Theology on the Green” at St. Giles, recent research shows that the overall decline in attachment to Christianity, including Catholicism, has leveled off in the U.S. (see Pew Research Center’s Religious Landscape Study, https://www.pewresearch.org/religious-landscape-study/). Locally, some indicators point to a possible resurgence in Sunday church attendance. There’s growing interest in knowing how the ways people identify with Christianity are evolving.
If this is a time when more are pausing, reflecting on, and reconsidering their attachment to the faith, then it’s going to be important for thoughtful folks — church insiders as well as those on the margins — to listen to each other. Sharing our journeys can make it possible for others to understand what’s changing. Paying attention can ready us for good conversations. If we listen with empathy, we can better grasp the truths each of us brings to the table.
Rich Kordesh is a longtime Oak Park resident.