The 40 or so people who attended a recent workshop at the Oak Park Library seemed to agree on one thing: the way we do politics in this country isn’t working.
The title of the March 8 workshop was Skills for Disagreeing Better, a program developed by Braver Angels, a national organization whose website declares: “Fighting Over Politics is Tearing Us Apart.”
If the workshop participants were surprised that what they heard felt more like what would be taught in marriage counseling than in a session about political conversations, it is helpful to know that Bill Doherty, one of the co-founders of Braver Angels, has a background in family therapy and community engagement. He is a professor and director of the Minnesota Couples on the Brink Project in the Department of Family Social Science at the University of Minnesota.
The workshop’s goals included developing listening skills that make the other person feel heard and learning skills that help you to share your own perspective in a way the other person might hear even if they disagree.
In one workshop activity, for example, people paired up to discuss the question: “How might better understanding the core values and concerns of people who differ from you politically help you listen, communicate and disagree better about policy differences?”
The first skill Braver Angels teach is what might be called “active listening,” which includes turning off your “inner debater” that wants to prepare your retort in a debate instead of really listening to the other person’s core values and concerns.
The second skill is “acknowledgement.” This is letting the other person know that you hear their viewpoint and the strength of the feelings, values and concerns about it. The goal is to connect before disagreeing.
The third step is “pivoting.” This is telling the other person that you would like to offer your point of view after you discern that they feel you have worked hard at understanding theirs. For example, you pivot by saying, “Can I offer my thoughts on this? This is something I’ve thought a lot about.”
(Braver Angels gave no advice on how to proceed if your conversation partner refuses to let you share your perspective. In fact, the workshop leaders encouraged participants to let go of the expectation that your conversation partner will be following the same game plan and using the same skills that you are.)
The fourth skill is presenting your own perspective in a way which does not undermine the foundation you’ve worked hard to build.
For example, it was suggested at the workshop to say, “This is the way I see it” as opposed to “This is how it absolutely is” and to share personal life experiences and story to support your point of view.
