Another year, another Thanksgiving. Food, laughs, light conversation. Polite talk, nothing controversial because, frankly, most controversial topics are minefields. We can’t comfortably discuss Israel and Gaza, Trump, Biden’s age, abortion, or climate change. We are so deeply politically divided, we can’t discuss current events without risking a fight.
Most disturbing of all, we don’t talk about our liberal democracy. Not good because a healthy democracy requires debate. Autocracies don’t allow it. Dictators make it easy by deciding everything. With self-determination comes the responsibility to pay attention, exchange ideas, and vote. Collective detachment comes at a price. We’ve lost the art of arguing respectfully, defending an opinion, and listening to another’s.
We need to relearn how to disagree respectfully, especially in front of children at the big table. Serious conversations teach kids critical thinking, listening, and problem-solving. Probing discussions provide adults the opportunity for change of mind or, at the very least, empathy for the person with a different idea.
Debating can be done poorly or well. Here are 10 tips from an old debater:
Resting Face: Especially on Zoom, make sure your resting face is neutral. Do not grimace.
Eye Contact: Make direct eye contact, as steady as possible. If your gaze wanders, pull it back.
Listen Attentively: Pay attention. Focus on what other persons are saying. If your mind wanders, pull it back.
Confirm: Check your understanding of what the other person is saying by rephrasing or repeating their line of reasoning. Avoid judgmental words. Something like, “If I understand you correctly, you are saying …”
Stay on Point: Debaters call this direct clash and it is powerful. Address what was last said by the last speaker. Then circle around to other ideas.
Manners: “Please.” “Thank you.” “I appreciate that.” “I can see your point of view.” “Well, that makes sense to me too.” “You are not wrong in that, but have you considered …?”
Body Language: Crossing your arms can look defensive.
Facts, Data, Examples and Stories: All serve to amplify and explain your feelings on a topic. This involves keeping informed about issues of the day.
Keep It Kind: Do not talk over one another; speech becomes noise. Do not pound the table; speech becomes spectacle. Flaring tempers do not flatter.
Keep It Short.
Let’s not “polite” ourselves into opposing corners, not caring what others think or why. We can disagree and still be friends. We need a certain amount of collective sharing, a chewing of ideas, a testing of assumptions. The best possible result is one we arrive at together.
Kumbaya.