I’m the 25th — or so — Democrat to announce my candidacy for the office of President of the United States, and not a minute too soon. The first debate is in one week. Imagine if they waited until June of 2020, five months before the election, to have debates. The networks and social media would have to scramble to find ways to keep us in high dudgeon for a whole year. This way we can have false hope for a whole year, and more easily tolerate the stunts Trump will think up if he’s not impeached — well, even if he is.
About my political philosophy. I think my good friend and fellow chorus member Barbara Hausman describes it best: I’m a socialist who likes room service.
About my age: I’m two weeks older than Nancy Pelosi (Look it up).
Like Beto O’Rourke, I was “just born to be in this race.” That’s what he told Vanity Fair, so that’s what I’ll say too. I wonder if they’ll photograph me in front of my pied-à-terre at Mills Park Tower. I hope I get to keep the jewels and clothes. Well, they’ll have to let me have the clothes after they let out the waistlines. I can sell them to pay for my prescriptions.
Of course, I don’t have enough money to qualify for the debate, but I have a grandiose plan. I’ll sneak backstage and hide, and when the debates begin, I’ll just skulk around like Trump did, wave at the camera, hold up a smiley face or a frowny face to comment on the responses of other candidates. Depending on how long I last before I’m escorted off by security, I’ll have all the name recognition I need.
My platform will be essentially the same as the Democratic Party’s platform. But I do have a few must-planks in my platform:
No guns, no guns, no guns. It’s a start.
Free education at every level. However, high school and college students must show proof that they call their grandparents on a regular basis.
I also have a few names in mind for my cabinet:
Department of For God’s Sake the Environment! (combines Energy and the Environmental Protection Agency): Jeff Bezos. He seems to know how to get things done and he needs to be kept busy before he owns the whole world.
Department of State: Joe Biden. Duh.
Department of Creeping Socialism: Bernie Sanders
Department of Defense: After commemorating D-Day, we’ll have to call down the ghost of Dwight D. Eisenhower.
Department of Justice (Attorney General): Senator Kamala Harris. I love to watch her interrogate people.
Department of Commerce: One of the Pritzkers.
Department of Health and Human Services: Dr. Zeke Emanuel, Rahm’s brother.
Department of Housing and Urban Development: Howard Schultz, Starbucks founder, who grew up in public housing.
Department of Education: Michelle Obama. Read her book.
Department of Veterans Affairs: Sen. Tammy Duckworth
Ambassador to the United Nations: Pete Buttigieg. For God’s sake, he speaks about eight languages, including Arabic.
For Vice President: I’ll be asking Joseph Kennedy III, congressman from Massachusetts, to be my running mate, making it an all-redhead, bilingual ticket. He’s fluent in Spanish and I can order a meal in French. If that ticket is too white for you, keep in mind that this whole column is shtick: I’d actually love to see a ticket with Kamala Harris at the top and Cory Booker for Veep.
Finally, what are my chances of winning? I’m old.
Old people vote.