Step right up, folks. Have we got an attraction for you! You need more than Disney World or Key Lime Cove to get through this dark, depressing season. For the ultimate enjoyment of our residents, neighbors and tourists, and for the fiscal benefit of the town, the Village of River Forest is proud to present its wintertime entertainment extravaganza: Paris Cliffs.
Come one, come all,* this is your opportunity to see wonders that few get to see in an entire lifetime. Hurry, the attraction closes April 7th. Get yourselves over to the River Forest Village Hall and witness with your own two eyes the following Paris Cliffs amusements:
The Hoke House of Horrors!
See Steve Hoke, trustee and board president-hopeful, explore the depths of River Forest leadership and then impersonate the subject of Edvard Munch’s The Scream. Then see Hoke frantically search the room of doors, desperately trying to find an open passageway leading to where official village business is conducted. See Hoke yelp some more when he discovers they’re all locked! See Steve lift up the rugs and reveal the dirty business hidden beneath. More shrieks. Oh, the horrors!
The See No Evil, etc., Monkey Room!
See our ringleader and his loyal allies dressed as monkeys, insisting that everything is a-OK. See monkey actors show residents that no one can see, hear or speak any evil. Note how monkeys do not cover select top parts, but rather shove entire heads into an unmentionable area. See Trustee Nummer wash monkeys down with his trusty old fire hose. It’s all good, clean fun folks!
The Forum for Feathered Fantasies!
More titillating than Sally Rand! It’s the ultimate in storytelling. Hear our ringleader talk about sodomizing his parrot. No, he said “parrot!” What did you think he said? Really, you must be sick.
The Amalgamated
Funhouse Mirrors!
This attraction is sponsored by a fine, not-so-local banking institution. Come on down to the funhouse mirrors and see yourself as our ringleader sees you! See one respectable citizen view himself as Otis the Drunk in one zany mirror and then as John Burge in another. Another person – a relative of our Ringleader – appears as a parrot.
Well, folks, that’s just a partial listing of the amusement park’s attractions. We advise you to see the whole show, guaranteed to blow you away. Bring a guest. Heck, bring your lawyer. There’s going to be some heavy duty slanderous exchanges, and we wouldn’t want you to miss out on a golden opportunity. Better call ahead. Paris Cliffs may be closed at any time, depending on our ringleader’s mood.
* Actually, not all. Paris Cliffs is not suitable for persons under age 18, persons over 65, pregnant women, women nursing and the faint of heart. Cost of admission? Priceless! Absolutely no refunds.