I turned on the TV last Thursday night expecting the Republican National Convention and was surprised to find myself watching the Rocky and Bullwinkle Show. Somehow, Minneapolis/St. Paul had morphed into Frostbite Falls, Minnesota.


“Moose and Squirrel,” as Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale used to say. Very entertaining. I regret not watching the previous nights. I heard even Captain “Wrongway” Peachfuzz made an appearance via video. He couldn’t attend in person. We were told he was far too busy manning Hurricane Central in Washington D.C. If another storm hit New Orleans, he didn’t want to appear frivolous by starring in a Reality TV show.


One thing’s for sure, the RNC set a record for “moose” references at a major political confab. Who’d have guessed the primary qualification for vice president was “field dressing a moose?” I heard the virtual VP candidate set a world record for dressing one, right there on stage. Another American heroine is born (in central casting).


“Watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat,” Bullwinkle used to say, and sure enough, just like in the show, he/she pulled out Rocket J. Squirrel, former aviator, who stood blinking, chipmunk-like, in the harsh light reflected off the faces of 2,300 white people (and 36 black delegates-no, I’m not making that up).


“Watch me pull a maverick out of my hat,” was the title of Rocky’s magic act. I can be a standard-issue Republican conservative and a change agent, he said. I can be a long entrenched member of the governing establishment and shake everything up in Washington. I can be a multimillionaire elitist and make you think the other guy is. I can run a divisive, low-road campaign and convention and reach out magnanimously to “real patriots across the aisle.” Pay no attention to Karl Rove behind the curtain or the total lack of specifics about what I plan to do or how I plan to pay for it. It’s the other guy who spews empty rhetoric. No, really. Never mind this 50-minute catalogue of outdated conservative clichés. I’m the breath of fresh air. And if I’m not, then Bullwinkle J. Moose is. The only real qualification for president, it turns out, is surviving a P.O.W. experience. If you can get through that, you can get through anything.”


Fractured Fairy Tales indeed.


Moose and squirrel, through sheer ineptitude, always got the better of Boris and Natasha. A hundred years ago, the last great Republican president (there have only been two), broke with his party and created his own-the Bull Moose Party. Teddy Roosevelt also knew a thing or two about moose (such as the fact that the plural of moose is moose). But he didn’t win the 1908 election, in spite of no doubt being able to field dress pretty much any large game animal.


We all know about TR. TR was a friend to all of us. This ticket is no Bull Moose.


This is the Squirrel Moose Party-or maybe the Moose Squirrel Party. In the old TV show, Rocky and His Friends (1959-61) turned into The Bullwinkle Show (1961-64) because it was obvious the squirrel had no charisma. He wasn’t funny enough. The moose was the star-dressed or not. Is history repeating itself?


The squirrel act we saw last Thursday night won’t be repeated. Rocky will make a return visit during the debates, but otherwise he’ll stay hidden in the hat. We’ll be fed a steady diet of moose.


Boris and Natasha are fit to be tied (or field dressed). Or maybe not. Maybe what we’re really watching isn’t Moose and Squirrel at all. Maybe this is the Natasha and Boris Show, conquering Frostbite Falls at last.


Either way, it’s a cartoon. Either way, it deserves to be cancelled. Send it to syndication. Good for a laugh or two.


Time to switch to Peabody’s Improbable History.

 

Join the discussion on social media!