I played sports for most of my life — and despite my better judgment, I still do. I’m clinging to my glory days as a washed-up weekend warrior, determined to keep going until every last bit of cartilage in my knees finally taps out.
I can remember almost every coach I ever had. Some were great, others not so much — but what stands out most in hindsight is how little oversight there was around their behavior. Left to their own devices, many modeled themselves after the most intense figures in sports, somewhere on the spectrum between Kim Mulkey and Nick Saban. They loved the game, no doubt. But very few seemed to understand child development.
What disappoints me today is seeing so many coaches still using the same tactics that were used decades ago. We’ve evolved in so many areas of education and child development — why not in coaching?
Let’s be clear: coaching is teaching. Yet it remains one of the last places where we tolerate a lack of emotional regulation from adults. Some coaches scream at kids, berate referees, and melt down on the sidelines like children who’ve run out of screen time for the day.
Imagine a teacher yelling at a student, “What’s the common denominator?” at the top of their lungs, because a child is struggling to learn fractions. It wouldn’t fly. But on the sidelines, we call it “passion.”
The truth is, most people don’t like being yelled at — especially not in public and in front of their peers. And we shouldn’t confuse volume with leadership. There are ways to bring energy, urgency, and high expectations without losing your composure. If we believe that sports are an extension of education, then we should hold coaches to the same standard we hold teachers. The goal is to teach — not just win.
My view is that one of the core purposes of sports should be to teach kids how to play the game the right way and ensure they still want to play next season. If a child leaves a season feeling humiliated or burned out, something has gone wrong — no matter what the scoreboard says.
I’ll be the first to admit I didn’t always get this right. Some of my former players would probably call me a hypocrite for the amount of yelling and screaming I did as a young coach. And they’d have a point. But over the last decade, I’ve grown and evolved. I look back on those moments and cringe.
The coaches I admire — the ones who seem to have figured it out — are great communicators and connectors. They honor the humanity of their athletes and take responsibility for their role when there’s miscommunication. More importantly, they build real relationships with their players and show them they care. That old cliché rings true: people don’t care what you know until they know you care.
Vince Gay, an active member of the Oak Park community, has over 20 years of experience in education. He is the proud parent of two school-age children.