It isn’t easy taking over a planet while destroying a democracy that has been a shining example on the international stage for 250 years — and desecrating its Constitution, which used to be the envy of the world. Not everyone appreciates how much hard work goes into becoming the Supreme Ass**** but maybe we the rabble should give him his due.
We may never know exactly what he does with his time, but he is very busy. Recently, a small cluster of email commiserators tried to imagine how he fills his days.
One friend speculated, “Trump’s waking hours are spent managing conflicting objectives. First and foremost, he has to keep Putin happy by tearing down our constitutional republic. Otherwise, he will expose Trump’s secrets, which would lead to imprisonment. Once he has satisfied his daily Putin obligations, there’s the matter of vengeance: retributions, threats, spreading lies about his enemies.”
It takes real coordination to keep all his plates spinning on their poles, some loaded with spaghetti, which he occasionally flings against the walls in a fit of pique. And who wouldn’t be frustrated? His entire life has been one long battle after another.
Conducting the war on immigration is how he keeps his base fired up. Plus he has to find time to finesse the Epstein files, figuring out how to minimize his own exposure while overblowing the involvement of any Democrat. It gets complicated. Some of his time is devoted to overseeing the destruction of various wings of the White House and remodeling them, ala Liberace.
He also has to coordinate rigging the midterm elections, his only chance of keeping Congress under Republican control. Without them, he is nothing. With him, they are nothing. And every morning he has to remember to take some elaborate drug cocktail that makes his rapidly deteriorating brain marginally functional — while also managing its troubling side effects.
Another friend reminded, “Don’t forget about watching Fox News!” That must consume at least a couple of hours — not to mention monitoring how his “enemies” are “libeling” him, which leads to furious posts and re-posts on his beloved social media platforms, including racist memes (like the recent imaging of the Obamas as apes), plus his favorite activity: filing lawsuits.
He can’t be sleeping much what with roaming the halls in the middle of the night, plotting how to take over Greenland (or is it Iceland?), Canada, and Minneapolis. That must be why he’s always nodding off during important meetings.
I don’t know how he finds time to do it all — blowing boats out of the Caribbean, kidnapping the president of Venezuela and deporting him (to the U.S.!), murdering U.S. citizens on our streets (even white people!), turning Gaza into the Las Vegas of the Middle East, threatening to slap Denmark with tariffs if they don’t turn over the keys to their giant iceberg (he has a thing about ice).
But taking a page from mainstream media, maybe we shouldn’t be so quick to judge. It isn’t easy steering the ship of state with no understanding of history, trying to con people who are way better educated and informed, coming up with myriad lies on the spur of the moment, day after day. How does he keep track of them all? It’s a juggler’s nightmare.
There aren’t enough hours in a day for the all-important suck-up infusions from his coterie of administration ass-kissers, who praise him profusely during cabinet meetings (and with straight faces!). Imaginary wars he allegedly ended need to be claimed, as well as lodging complaints about peace prizes un-awarded, and airports un-named for him. A great man can’t be great if he isn’t constantly reminded of his greatness. And it’s distracting to keep coming up with distractions to divert the public’s attention from the unintended consequences of living in the real world.
Chaos creation requires sustained effort — devising novel ways to wreck other people’s lives, ripping families apart, and inventing phony justifications for it. Then there is massive wealth to be leveraged by exploiting his high office. One estimate now puts the figure at $4 billion.
By the end of every day he must be utterly exhausted, yet he’s expected to pull all this off with panache — and while wearing no clothes!
So a smidge of sympathy might be welcome. He was never loved growing up, so he needs a ton of compensatory adoration. Show some heart for the heartless. Is that too much to ask? It’s no wonder he resorts to his resort to play so much golf, where someone keeps score for him, a welcome respite from those long hours in the Oval Office, scheming to settle scores and posing for photos with grimacing leaders of ungrateful nations.
How can we not feel sorry for someone who spends so much time feeling sorry for himself? Every day a pity party for the petty.
So let’s cut the old fart some slack.
Hell, he turns 80 come June!
