Are you missing Steve Bannon yet? When he was around, it was all so clearly horrific and bombastic. It still is, but now it’s sort of like the Romanovs without Rasputin, unless Stephen Miller starts running around in monk’s robes.

Since Bannon has been fired by everyone who paid him a salary, what’s he going to do for money? It’s possible he has plenty socked away, but then again, he does have several ex-wives and a few children, I think. God knows he didn’t blow any of it on personal grooming.

Steve, it’s time for reinvent yourself! Be inspired by the Winter Olympics. We all know how much you treasure outdated ideas and customs, so I think you ought to consider creating an ice show!

I give you Steve Bannon’s Ice Charades.

The skaters will all be white, of course, and probably blonde. He may go so far as to have them in long braids wound around their heads. Most costumes will be some variation of red, white and blue. 

He may, however, have some olive green and khaki, for the numbers glorifying war. It’s Bannon, so count on subtle or not-so-subtle nods to fascism with skaters in several numbers marching and wearing helmets.

There’s almost certain to be an Italian number and veiled salute to Mussolini. Festivals were a part of ordinary Italian life until the fall of Mussolini. Carro di Tespi Lirico, decorated traveling theater cars, were supported by the Fascist regime to bring opera and non-operatic stage works to the masses. It should be fun to see skaters perform to the music of Puccini. It might be tough to do an Italian tribute with all blondes, though.

For the finale, with Bannon smiling on the sideline, a tall, beautiful blonde soloist will come on the ice wearing a sandwich board advertising her line of clothing. After circling the crowd, she’ll remove the sandwich board and reveal a black swan costume and a lighted diamond choker around her neck. During her number, the lights will go down. The choker, still aglow, will inexplicably tighten, causing her to crumble and spin to her death a la The Red Shoes. One hopes it will just be pretend. If not, one hopes he won’t stoop to having the Zamboni remove her from the ice. 

After the finale, Bannon will skate out himself, slimmer (although one hopes he skips the leotard) and blonder, accompanied by those who made it all possible: his dermatologist, his hair stylist (love the blonde streaks), his nutritionist Dr. Oz, his therapist Dr. Phil. 

And bringing up the rear, as she has done most of her life, she who represents “Make America Great Again” values, choreographer Tonya Harding!

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Mary Kay O'Grady

Mary Kay O'Grady is a former high school English teacher and later owned her own public relations business, The O'Grady Group. She has lived in Oak Park for almost fifteen years. She is currently the chairperson...