Relationships are like hockey in that they require two sets of skills. I call them the skating skills and the hockey skills.
Skating skills are how you manage your inner world. Hockey skills are how you manage the interactions between you and your partner. Couples usually come to a counselor to work on their hockey skills.
Here is an example of a hockey skill. You are making dinner when your partner arrives home. You ask whether he or she remembered to pick up the dry cleaning. Your partner responds, “What am I, your servant?”
Our bodies respond to our partner’s “rudeness” with a cocktail of hormones, putting us into a flight (shut down) or fight (hit back) state of mind. Successful couples get past these moments without turning a rude comment into a battle or a cold war.
A partner with good hockey skills might pause, take a breath and let the remark pass for now. They might say something empathic such as “Wow, sounds like you had a bad day.” When I suggest this to a couple, they usually agree that this approach is better for the relationship. They leave my office with a sense of “we can do this.” Often, they return the following week with an “oops” look on their face. “We do so well in your office. Why is it so hard at home?” they ask.
The fight-or-flight response is programmed into our brains by millions of years of evolution. To overcome it, you have to reprogram your brain to slow down and react more calmly.
For millennia, people have done this through two practices: prayer and meditation. Research is showing that these practices strengthen our ability to calm our mind. This allows us to respond more effectively.
Here is a meditation (or prayer if you prefer) that anyone can do, anywhere, anytime.
Start by detaching yourself from the environment. Close your eyes, if possible, and sit quietly. Choose a person whom you have no trouble feeling loving toward, maybe your child. One fellow told me he couldn’t think of anyone, so he started with his dog, Bart.
Say in your mind these words or anything similar:
“May Bart feel safe and protected. May Bart feel healthy and strong. May Bart feel happy and peaceful. May Bart live with ease.”
That’s it. Choose another person and repeat. You can add specific wishes if appropriate: “May Bart be safe from fleas.”
Don’t forget to include yourself and your partner. If your partner has done something annoying, you can grumble while wishing him or her well. Commit about 10 minutes a day to this. It’s a great way to pass the time while waiting at a train crossing. End the day or start your morning with it.
Think of this as training your mind for your relationship just as you would train your body to play a sport. I am betting that after a couple weeks, your partner will be just as irritating at times. The difference will be in how you respond.
Charles Hughes, LCPC, helps people with relationships in Oak Park and online via telecounseling.
