Most relationship problems can’t be solved.
Studies indicate that 60% of disagreements between couples result from core differences in the way they handle life. For example, people differ in the degree of structure they are comfortable with. Some like predictability and others prefer spontaneity.
These differences may have been attractive to you in the beginning. She told her friends, “I love it, he’s so spontaneous.” He bragged to his buddies, “She has a level head, knows exactly where she’s going.”
Later in the relationship, she labels his go-with-the-flow as “irresponsible and inconsiderate.” He complains to the same buddies, “She is so rigid.” According to research, judgments like these are poisonous to a relationship.
Managing core differences starts with understanding that your nervous systems are wired differently. People who prefer predictability feel calm when they know what’s going to happen. Spontaneity types feel good when they can improvise.
The problems arise when the core differences turn into everyday annoyances. Let’s pick on the spontaneity person for an example.
“But he’s late all the time,” the plan-ahead partner protests. “What do I do? Just live with it?”
No, living with it is as bad as trying to change it. You end up with resentments that, over time, cause a loss of fondness and regard.
There is a middle ground. I call it tube-clearing because resentments get stuck like a clog in a drain pipe. There are three parts:
1) Ask to be heard
Something your partner did is bothering you (He was late to your dinner date with friends). Remind yourself that he is not a bad guy; he is wired differently from you. Ask your partner, when there is time to talk, if he is open to having you “clear a tube.”
2) Start softly, don’t accuse
“I know we’re different on this punctuality thing and I am not putting you down.” Tell your partner how his behavior affected you. “I was embarrassed when you were 30 minutes late to our dinner date.” Don’t generalize “Why are you always late?” This will feel like criticism and trigger defensiveness. If there is something he could do in the future to help, ask about it. “Would you make an effort to call or text me when you think you may be late?”
3) Let it go
Whether or not your partner responds the way you want them to, forgive them for this occurrence of the problem. Remind yourself of what you like about his spontaneity.
Your partner’s job is to hear you, not defend or explain his behavior: “I know it bothers you when I am late and your feelings are important to me.” The partner should not promise to stop being late because that is a promise he won’t keep.
Relationship research is clear that how you respond to your partner’s annoying differences has a strong effect on the long-term health of your relationship. Smart partners keep their tubes clear so they don’t erode their feelings of fondness and esteem.
Charles Hughes, LCPC, helps people with relationships in Oak Park and online via telecounseling.
