What can I say? I’m perfect and I’m a genius. I’m a perfect genius.
I’d best clarify that statement: I’m a genius as it pertains to filling out a thus-far-perfect 2013 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament bracket. That’s right, I have so far correctly picked the winner in every single game. I know, considering all the upsets, it’s mesmerizing isn’t it? Autographs available upon request.
The best thing about it? It had nothing to do with luck. I did absolutely no research, so no analytical strategies were applied. It was simply divine inspiration.
I just knew FGCU would bounce Georgetown and San Diego State even though I had no idea what FGCU stood for. Fourteenth-seeded Harvard over third-seeded New Mexico? I wish I could say I went with the theory of relativity on that one, that E=MC2 and the kinetic energy of the Lobos would not stand up to the relative mass of the Crimson, but I just went with the Brainiacs.
I tossed a coin for the La Salle vs. Kansas State game, Kansas State being heads. The coin landed on heads, but I went with La Salle instead on the basis that there’s not a whole lot of love or need for explorers anymore, and why not honor the pioneers of the past by picking the Explorers.
With that in mind, who better than the Shockers to shock top-seeded Gonzaga? Yes, I also wisely stayed with Wichita State into the Elite Eight where they upset Ohio State. I can’t say I did so because the school is located in the same Missouri Valley Conference as Illinois State where I went to college — such logic would have had me picking Creighton over Duke in the third round and, of course, I refrained from doing that — but I can say I felt it was about time a team from Kansas without Kansas in its name should cause some havoc in the tournament. Wichita State is to Kansas as Butler is to Indiana.
Michigan over Kansas and Florida wasn’t difficult. The Wolverines were bred to win, literally. Tim Hardaway Jr., Jon Horford and Glen Robinson III are all sons of former NBA players.
Now Syracuse over Indiana was a tough pick, considering I watched every Hoosiers game aired on ESPN or the Big Ten Network this season. But I was blinded by the Orange and still am.
I’m not going to reveal my Final Four winners — whether the Shockers will electrify college basketball fans further with an upset over Louisville or the Wolverines splattering the Orange on Saturday — only because I’m a little apprehensive about being too perfect. I don’t want to set the bar so stratospherically high that it leaves the rest of you with abysmal self-esteem. It’s my gift to you. No need to thank me.
I will reveal this: I write this column on April 1, also known as April Fool’s Day, and my bracket lies before me, marked up like a first-grader’s chicken scratch, the paper crumpled and damp from my salty tears, and for some reason I just keep pounding the desk and howling, “Why? Why? Why?”