I spent the weekend in my Ralph Lauren speedo sipping frozen concoctions aboard my 60-foot yacht off the shores of Santiago de Compostela with a bevy of beautiful flamenco dancers.
Of course, I have satellite TV aboard my 60-foot yacht — christened The Spanish Acquisition — so I was able to watch my beloved Conquistadors duke it out against Bush Leaguers on Sunday. The mighty swordsmen, led by the slinger Drew Brees and the speed demon Arian Foster, won by a landslide.
What was the score? Who knows, but Brees and Foster combined for 50 points.
Being the owner of a professional football team, especially a winning one, is great fun. Just last week, Jerry Jones and I were knee deep in the badlands of Wyoming hunting wild buffalo when ol’ Jonesy asked me if I’d be interested in a trade. I just laughed and pumped my 12-gauge. “Jonesy,” I said, “the Conquistadors are 8-2, and we’re riding a five-game win streak. With the way things are going, I’m not moving anyone. Is that mascara or did you have work done around your eyeballs?”
Jonesy, a typically stubborn Texan, insisted the entire Dallas Cowboys cheerleading squad join me on my little sailing trip. Adorned lavishly in Louis Vuitton red dresses, I dubbed them flamenco dancers.
Tony Romo for Brees isn’t such a bad idea, especially with a bye week coming up. Only problem is Foster is also on a bye week, and, as I said before, that’s the nucleus of the Conquistadors. I was able to get Antonio Gates on the field despite an injured foot, and both Fred and Stephen Jackson have helped carry some of the load this season. But I’m going to need to make up some points somewhere — Robbie Gould isn’t likely to kick his way to 14-points ever again, even with the wind at his back.
That’s why I said adios to the cheerleaders and had my helicopter whisk me from the yacht to my waterfront estate in Barbados. I’ve called in Team Spencer, a group of lawyers, analysts, economists, Web techies and sandwich makers who are all on the payroll. It’s time to get down to business.
Romo is dicey, and I don’t want to relinquish Brees for the remainder of the season just because he has a bye week and I spent some time on a yacht with Dallas cheerleaders. I could take my chances with Josh Freeman, although his numbers have been suspect and he’s nursing an injury. The good news is with two defenses on the roster (Green Bay and Detroit) and two kickers (Gould and Ryan Longwell), I have plenty of room for pickups. With six points last week, Jackie Battle isn’t the replacement I thought he’d be. And my receiving corps has been lackluster with Steve Johnson garnering less than a single point last week and Lance Moore just 2.8.
How are the Conquistadors even in first place?
A complete overhaul, with the exception of Brees, Foster, both Jacksons, Gates and Gould, is currently in the works. But, it may all be for naught, considering this week’s opponent. The Butterville Bulldogs are 2-7 and had three players in their starting lineup listed as inactive last week. What was their owner thinking?
I may just set sail before the week is out!
