Make no mistake — there are unwritten rules to catching a home run off the bat of a player from the opposing team in the bleachers at Wrigley Field. Here are some of the intangibles:
Never just catch and release.
Never show a twinge of pain from the catch itself.
Make the catch look easy. Be nonchalant about it. Consider it an annoyance that you had to stop what you were doing and snag this marshmallow of a dinger in the first place.
Don’t gloat over catching it, which means don’t raise your arm up in celebration and hop around, high-fiving everyone around you. You will not get many high-fives.
Don’t linger. If you are forced to give in to the taunting or the peer pressure, you have already disgraced the ritual. Leave the bleachers immediately or expect to be showered with warm and sticky Old Style.
Don’t attempt to reason with your neighbors. “It’s a memento for my kid brother; he’s a Cardinals fan. I have to keep it,” will get you lambasted.
Don’t beg. “Please, it’s for my nephew who’s in an iron lung,” will not work either. It won’t make a difference. You will be in an iron lung if you don’t throw that ball back.
Be patient, but not too patient. After the catch, allow the fans to get a bit restless, but not too restless. Wait … for … it, wait … for … it, Now!
Let the hitter see you do it. Wait until he is nearing second base and make a long arcing toss to short center. It has to be short center. It’s the perfect location. Marlon Byrd or Reed Johnson or Tony Campana will have to move to go get it, delaying the game.
Throw it hard. Remember, you’re standing on a narrow bleacher, possibly forcing you to throw without taking a step. Also, the depth from the bleachers to the field is deceiving. You may think you’ve tossed a gem, but then it will land at the warning track. Pick that apple, throw across your body. Pick that apple!
Don’t expect the hitter to acknowledge your actions. He’ll likely not even look in the direction of the ball, but rest assured he’ll be weeping inside.
Never throw in the direction of a Cubs player, specifically Alfonso Soriano. Chances are pretty good that he won’t catch it.
After the toss, remain standing with chin up, chest out, hands on hips and snarled lips. Scowl at the hitter as if to say, “Ever think about doing that again and I’ll … toss it back again.”
Now turn and acknowledge the crowd. Nod your head. You’ve just told the opponents where they can stick their home run. Bask in the glory.
It may very well be the only thing the fans have to cheer about.