This Tuesday, Nov. 2, will be your last chance to participate this time around in the ritual of futility known as the electoral process. Newspaper editors and civic do-gooders will implore us to exercise the sacred right of choosing which of our fellow citizens will lead us to wherever we are going. What a crock. Now I know that many of you, especially the more intelligent ones, deep down know that this voting business is a great waste of time, but are being guilted into voting. So today I want to make you feel good about not voting.
Now I have carefully reviewed the ballot for you, and whittled it down to size. First, only a moron would vote for an unopposed candidate. There are lots of those running this year including, according to my sample ballot, Kimberly Lightford and La Shawn Ford. Kimberly and La Shawn need only get a single vote, and they are off to solve the mess in Springfield that they helped create. There are loads of judges unopposed as well. Hope they went to law school because they’re in no matter what. Never vote for an unopposed candidate. It only encourages them.
Then there are all the “contested” races in which the pitiful Cook County Republican Party tricked some delusional egoist into running for office. It is a source of great wonder to me that, following the cartoonish rule of Todd Stroger, how anyone would ever vote for Democrats to run Cook County, but be assured come Wednesday the Democrats will win whether you have voted or not.
Now we’re on to state offices like attorney general, secretary of state, comptroller and treasurer. These are bean-counting administrative jobs run by the staffs. If these positions were eliminated you’d never even know unless you had one of the thousands of patronage jobs, which are of course the real reasons these offices exist. However, I must admit I do like the Jesse White Tumblers.
So far no reason to vote for any of these candidates. But then there are the two races for U.S. Senator and state governor — the really important officials that will decide our fate. Ha! What a laugh! The governor race is between a scaredy cat career hack and some dude who is going to cut my taxes even though the state is billions in debt. Pass the peyote, man. The Senate race is between a rich kid whose main claim to fame is that he plays pick-up basketball with Barack, and a guy who repeatedly lies about his military record. Who would do that? Again, it makes no difference who wins these spotlight elections, no matter what the Tribune or the talking heads say. Things will only get slowly worse. Hopefully.
Now I know it may be hard for some of you to stay home come Tuesday. Here are some alternate activities. Read Robert Penn Warren’s “All the President’s Men.” Rent and watch Spencer Tracy in “The Last Hurrah.” Floss. Get that overdue colonoscopy. Like the clown said on the old TV show “In Living Color,” “Homey don’t play that.”
John Hubbuch, an Indiana native who moved to Oak Park in 1976, is a retired lawyer. Hubbuch served on the District 97 school board and coached youth sports. He is the father of three and grandfather of one.