April Fools’ Edition
Flanked by a throng of citizens, clerics, government officials and do-gooders, Oak Park Village President David Pope announced the kickoff of a campaign to fast-track River Forester Mike Kelly on the path to sainthood.
Pope, in prepared remarks that averaged fewer than six syllables per word, noted that no one had done more for Oak Park than Kelly, Park National Bank’s former owner.
“I’m not saying that St. Christopher hasn’t protected some of our citizens in their travels, or that St. Blaise hasn’t cut down on sore throats. But I am saying that Mike Kelly helped many, many charities that reached and enriched thousands of lives. Wherever the sainthood bar has been set, Mike has surely cleared it.”
Catholic historian Leo Urban John Paul noted that there aren’t many bankers in heaven, let alone the pantheon of saints. Despite such odds for Kelly, Paul noted: “If the Vatican would consider alleged Nazi collaborator Pope Pius XII, then Mr. Kelly might have a shot.”
The historian pointed out that the path to sainthood can be long and arduous. “It’s really tough to sort out the real miracles from the bogus ones. You wouldn’t believe some of the whack jobs claiming visions.”
To document Kelly’s good works beyond the Jerbil archive, Pope asked people to come forward with further evidence of the former billionaire’s largesse. “Mike so avoided publicity that we just don’t know exactly all the good he really did. There is talk that he is close to finding a cure for cancer and is quietly working on sealing a deal for peace in the Middle East. If the Cubs win the World Series this year, he should be a lock.”
