Would it surprise you to know that more than half of the beds in many psychiatric hospitals are reserved for children and adolescents? However, serious psychiatric conditions represent a small portion of the complaints for which people send kids to a psychiatric hospital. I know this because I interview these young patients to determine if they really need to be hospitalized.
When I meet with new patients and their parents, I start with the same question, “What got us here today?” This is what I often hear: “He won’t listen to me,” “she won’t go to school,” “he goes out and doesn’t tell me where he is,” “she swears at me,” “he won’t behave,” “he gets into fights,” “she loses her temper,” or “he’s disrespectful!”
While frustrating, these behaviors do not mean a child is mentally ill or in need of psychiatric hospitalization. Counseling may help. Yet kids, especially teenagers, are often not the best candidates for counseling or therapy. For counseling to be effective, the patient has to believe they have a problem. Ever tried convincing your teen that he or she has a problem?
I often ask kids and teens if going to counseling with mom or dad might help. You would be surprised how many of them shrug and say, “maybe.” Parents often resist this because they are afraid they will be blamed for the problem.
Parents have been told that mental health care is the answer. Kids are given labels like Oppositional Defiant Disorder (he won’t follow rules), Impulse Control Disorder (she does things without thinking), and bipolar disorder (he loses his temper or gets moody a lot). I believe that there is a better response to many of these behavior issues. It comes down to three words: relationship, influence and listening.
Your relationship is the only leverage that allows you to have an influence on your child’s decision making. In my experience, it is most often the parent-child relationship that needs “treatment.” How do you fix a broken relationship? First, you listen. When your child feels listened to, they may start listening back. If they are listening while rolling their eyes, that’s OK.
When there are significant problems in their behavior, sending the child or teen to counseling or a hospital may not be the answer. Neither approach will repair a broken relationship. Parent-child mediation may be a better choice.
Mediation is a process in which a neutral third party assists your communication while your relationship heals. It’s not about fixing the child or the parent. It’s about building a relationship in which you and your child can live. Mediation is focused solution that looks to the future, not the past.
As a parent, how do you buy yourself some hope? Stop telling yourself the situation is hopeless. You may have to drag your child or teen to the first mediation session. Yet, this is more likely to help than saying to a counselor or a hospital, “My kid ain’t perfect. Fix him!”
• Charles Hughes is an Oak Park resident, licensed counselor and divorce mediator whose private practice is in Oak Park.
