Ian Coburn wasn’t exactly a ladies’ man during his coming-of-age years at Oak Park and River Forest High School.
“I think I asked out two girls in high school and got shot down by both of them,” the 1990 grad recalls. “I was voted ‘sweetest guy’ my senior year. As far as women were concerned, I might as well have changed my name from Ian to ‘Like a brother.'”
While other kids were out partying and hooking up with the opposite sex in Thatcher Woods or Rehm Park, Coburn says he and his pals wore a groove in the sidewalk between Tasty Dog and the Lake Theatre, wondering why things weren’t happening for them.
“I once found a couple making out in my locker,” Coburn remembers. “It was my locker and other people were getting more action in there than me!”
When it came to wooing women, he was as clueless as they came.
But all that changed shortly after graduation when Coburn’s older sister, who’d gotten a job waiting tables at Wacko’s Comedy Club in Berwyn, suggested he take his wry sense of humor for a test drive in the spotlight.
“She told me I was funnier than most of the professional comedians she saw there,” Coburn recalls. “At 18, I did an open mic night, and six months later I was getting regular paid gigs.”
And so began a stand-up odyssey that would ultimately take Coburn through all of the states as well as most of Canada. Along the way, he’d meet a lot of interesting people and have a lot of enlightening experiences with women.
Enough of them to fill a book.
Changing lanes
“Driving around the country in your car for up to 20 hours a day, you start to think a lot … and hear voices,” Coburn claims. “And the voices told me to write.” So in recent years, exhausted from a stand-up schedule that once landed him an industry record for most consecutive weeks on the road-with a total of 106-Coburn has focused much of his energy on plying his wit on paper.
After writing a number of well-received screenplays-two fetched him awards with the Hollywood Scriptwriting Institute and one is currently tied up in what he calls “development hell” with a big studio-Coburn soon found himself looking to fill the time gap with something else. And a dating advice book seemed like a natural choice for his next endeavor.
Friends had been bugging him for years about tackling the subject, Coburn says. Since his road adventures had bestowed him with such great insight into the exchange between men and women and given him so many great stories to tell, the self-described “fast writer” knew it wouldn’t take long to fill the book’s pages. Six months later (three months of writing, three months of editing) Coburn’s comical, yet practical guide to dating was ready for public consumption.
Why ‘He’ must be a ‘She’
In God is a Woman: Dating Disasters, which hit bookstore shelves this month just in time for Valentine’s Day, Coburn claims his misadventures with women have revealed, with utmost certainty, the gender of mankind’s creator:
“No discussion, no debate, no denial. She’s a woman. The proof is all around. If God were a man, He’d be the only one. There would not be another man anywhere. The entire planet would be full of no one but beautiful women-and none of them would have names; that way He wouldn’t have to worry about forgetting them.”
But the book is intended to serve as amusement and reference for men and women alike, Coburn promises. With topic headings such as, “What do guys look for at bars?” “Why do women like jerks?” “How do you break the ice?” and “What do women want? Do they know?” both genders are offered insight into how the other sex purportedly thinks.
Each chapter features a humorous anecdote about how Coburn personally screwed something up or learned something valuable from a dating encounter-like the time he fulfilled a life-long fantasy by taking out Nikki Cox, only to discover that the two had absolutely no chemistry, or the time a woman in New Mexico tried to run him down with her car. And to sum things up, each chapter offers readers a bit of practical, “quickie” advice:
“If buying women drinks is your M.O., don’t ask her if you can buy her a drink, ask her what she’s drinking. Reply that the drink sounds good and order two in front of her. Give her one, then immediately joke to the people nearby that she might have a drinking problem, what with her two-fisting. She’ll laugh in disgust. The flirting will begin.”
Most advice books are written by doctors who have been married for 15-plus years or who have been divorced three-plus times, Coburn claims. “Um, anyone see the problem here?” And usually, sex and dating advice are found in separate books. Coburn believes God is a Woman gains an advantage over its “dating how-to” competition by combining the two realms in its pages:
“Really, when’s the last time a straight guy came up to you and said, ‘Gee, I really love how that belt accessorizes with those shoes and that peach scarf just accentuates the softness of your neck and brings out the sky blue in your eyes?’ A guy sees that junk and thinks, ‘That’s just more stuff I’ll have to remove. I have enough problems, I don’t need to look like an idiot trying to remove her belt, followed by strangling her while I try to untie the knot in her scarf.'”
To critics who might say it’s easy for a guy who rubs elbows with celebrities on a regular basis to get preachy about picking up women (as a stand-up he’s opened for, and run socially with the likes of Drew Carey, Bobcat Goldthwait, Damon Wayans and Cedric the Entertainer), Coburn replies that when you get down to it, fame can only get you so far. “It does help get a woman’s attention, but if you don’t have the conversational skills, her interest will fade fast.” He says he’s watched many celebrities crash and burn because they couldn’t come up with the right things to say. Talk is everything.
Coming home
Coburn, who resides mainly in Chicago while pursuing his writing endeavors, says he gets back to Oak Park a lot to visit his sister, who still lives here with her kids.
“I have the parking tickets to prove it,” he jokes. “And when did every street become a one-way? It’s freaking annoying.”
Steering clear of old haunts, but hitting spots like the Oak Park Conservatory when he’s in town, Coburn says he has very warm memories of his childhood here. “Oak Park is a great place to be a kid. Lots of parks and safe streets to pedal a bike on. … Lots of other kids around to play with.”
Having moved “like six times” when he was growing up, Coburn remembers roaming the halls of Holmes, Lincoln, Emerson and maybe “one or two other” schools, and believes he owes a great deal to some of the teachers he encountered throughout his formative years.
“In grade school, Mr. Harris and Mr. Miller stick out. In high school it was Mr. Zabransky and Mr. Braatz,” he recalls. “Dr. Holleman and Mr. Denny pushed me in music, which carried over to other things, and Mr. Graziano and Senorita Roe gave me opportunities to perform comedy in class.” For their support and encouragement, he will always be grateful.
What now?
Having just appeared on WGN’s morning TV and radio shows to plug the book, and after generating a lot of publicity with a dating disaster blog on his website (www.Godisawoman.net), Coburn says he will continue to write (he’s working on several scripts for hire and has just debuted a dating advice column in Wassup! Magazine), and, yes, he will continue to date.
“Somebody once said, ‘Tomorrow is another day,’ and it became a famous quote,” Coburn reminds struggling singles in one chapter of God is a Woman. “That’s bull*#%!” he explains. “Tomorrow is not another day. Tomorrow is today’s backup plan.”
So if you’re still working up the nerve to ask someone out for a Valentine’s dinner tonight, consider taking Coburn’s advice and go for it. If things don’t work out, pick up a copy of the book. You might not have much luck with a pickup line like “Hi, I’m Rumpelstiltskin,” as he suggests, but at least you’ll be left with a funny story to tell.
Top 5 mistakes guys make when meeting a woman
5) Asking if she has a boyfriend. You’d be less obvious if you bathed yourself in cologne and wore a neon sign that said, “I want to see your panties.”
4) Thinking about what you’re going to say next instead of listening. I’ve heard women say things like, “So, I think this wine is maybe a little too bold. What do you think?” And the guy replies, “So, what do you do?” You’ve just lost her, Slick. Enjoy the wine.
3) Asking if you can call her. Ooh, how confident. Be original and memorable. Who knows how many guys she’s going to meet before you call?
2) Ignoring her body language. I’ve seen guys latch onto a woman like white on rice, clueless to the fact that she keeps looking away, sighing, and checking her watch. I’ve seen other guys not realize a woman likes them even though she touches them a dozen times, laughs at every stupid thing they say, ignores both the stabbing going on behind her and the meteor landing at her feet, just to keep the conversation going. Come on, guys. Get a clue!
1) Asking her to lunch. LUNCH IS NOT A DATE. It’s lame, prone to easy cancellation by her, and unclear.
Top 5 mistakes women make when meeting a man
5) We like Harry Carray; we don’t want to date him. Who told you to wear those sunglasses that are bigger than your head? We can’t tell what you look like or if you’re approachable. Unless you’re Charlie’s latest Angel, lose the snorkel mask.
4) Forgetting who’s watching. Lots of times, a woman will rudely dismiss a guy immediately, hoping a few different guys she’s been eyeing will approach instead. Guess what? Those other guys just saw what happened, and now they’re not coming over either, Barbie. Enjoy the wine.
3) When we ask you out and you say, “No, I’m busy,” we don’t know what to think. Are you really busy? Are you blowing us off? Are you a nun?
2) Worrying about other women over men. Most of what women wear when they go out is meant to compete with other women, not meet or attract men. Forget the women. Think about the men. Tight jeans, tight shirt, and a smile are all you need.
1) Not returning a guy’s call. Most guys won’t call more than twice if they don’t hear back from you.
-Ian Coburn
God is a Woman: Dating Disasters is available in bookstores or at www.Godisawoman.net. Two dollars of every online sale will be donated to an organization benefiting children with mental illness. Enter coupon code ‘gohuskies’ for a four dollar discount off the $16.95 cover price (through March 1).