My dad is 88 years old. He still drives and plays golf, but he’s not as sharp as he used to be. So his doctor prescribed some medicine that is intended to improve his mental acuity. He calls the prescription his “smart pills.”
I thought that if these pills made an 88-year-old smarter, just think what they would do for me, a 57-year-old guy. So in preparation for this column, I took a smart pill and began reading recent issues of this paper. Unbelievable. I was stunned. Everything was so clear. All the doubt, the ambiguity and the uncertainty of complicated issues were brought into sharp focus by these wonderful smart pills.
Mr. Milstein, for instance, is completely unsuited to be an elected official. His disposition and temperament make it impossible for him to work collaboratively with people who disagree with him. He will surely be the ruination of any group or party that chooses to affiliate with him in any future village election.
However, he is highly entertaining. I would encourage local TV to do a reality show where a cameraman just follows him around during his daily routine?#34;grocery shopping, cutting grass, having lunch?#34;you just know there would be entertaining confrontations and odd occurrences. Bob’s World.
Mr. Milstein does not receive more entirely justified criticism from this newspaper because in the past it has endorsed him for election, and even chosen him Villager of the Year?#34;a stunning indictment of those selection processes. Some of you may recall that my choice for Villager of the Year (instead of Mr. Milstein) was my next door neighbor who shoveled my walk that year. My choice is looking better all the time.
While as a neighbor of North Avenue businesses, I can somewhat understand the anxiety of homeowners who live next to the high school over its decision to go forward with lights on the football field, there is a bit of overreaction here. There’s no crying in baseball or homeownership. Here’s an idea: pull down the shades; or go to the back of the house; or turn on a fan; or move. People move all the time. In Oak Park there are a lot of houses that look pretty much alike?#34;most of which are not next to the football field.
The firing of one teacher at each of three elementary schools might not be such a bad thing. Probably the single best thing each elementary school could do would be to get rid of the worst teacher at each school. The one where all the knowledgeable parents ask the principal to not put their children in that class.
We’re missing the point on these teacher cutbacks in any event. This is all about a referendum for District 97. The new superintendent no doubt discovered that Dist. 97 finances were worse than she thought, so a referendum is needed, but even in Oak Park you have to make some kind of case for fiscal responsibility. You can only save so much cutting out trips to the zoo because all the big money is in salaries. So three teachers walk the plank and the fiscal bonafides are demonstrated for the eventual referendum. The more parental caterwauling, the better to make the case. A few must be sacrificed for the good of many.
These pills are awesome. Truth goggles. I can see lots of things clearly now. The Cubs will never win the World Series. Rap music is awful. Barry Bonds and his Brobdignagian peers took steroids and everyone in baseball knew it. All wine tastes the same after the third glass. Oak Park housing prices are ridiculous. I thought about opening the gate and letting our dog run away and then blaming it on our youngest son. Oops. I better stop now. These smart pills could get me into some serious trouble.
