Although I have never taken a psychology course I am a keen observer of the human condition, and like many lawyers, I think I know everything. So I bring to your attention an emerging condition I call Irrational Fear Syndrome (IFS).
IFS is caused by watching TV news and surfing the Internet where ratings-driven daily “news” stories present a greatly exaggerated fear that you are about to suffer a terrible calamity. Symptoms include sending emails to friends and loved ones alerting them to these dangers and spending time researching ways to avoid the dangers. In the worst cases, victims assume the fetal position and await their demise.
The cure for IFS includes doses of intelligence, perspective and skepticism. The afflicted need to remember that the United States has more than 300 million inhabitants, and more than 7 billion souls live on the planet. Weird bad things happen to people just like weird good things happen to people, e.g. Powerball winners.
But let’s get to some specifics — news you can use. You might want to stay away from the South, and Florida in particular, thereby diminishing the already tiny risk of death by shark, alligator or sinkhole.
Florida is the perfect storm for IFS sufferers. If you must travel there, don’t go swimming in swamps or oceans. Stick to swimming pools. There are lots of them. If you are outside and there is a big storm, go inside.
Avoid interstate highways when the weatherman predicts snow or ice storms, lest you wind up in a pileup that involves all the cars in western Pennsylvania. When hiking in the mountains or desert, bring along a map, a cellphone and some water.
Unless there is a very good reason, don’t go to Africa. If your food smells bad, don’t eat it. Don’t hug wild animals. Follow this course of treatment and you will be safe unless you are really unlucky. It is possible that a piano could be dropped from third floor window and land on you, but I’ve never seen it on TV or YouTube. Just in old cartoons.
To be sure there are plenty of things to worry about: global warming, loose nukes, binge drinking, obesity, sedentary lifestyle, no smoke detectors, a crazy spouse, no friends, poor relationship with siblings, blood in your urine, Scott Walker, and whether True Detective is going to get better this season. If you worry about some of these things, you do not have IFS. You are human. If you don’t worry about any of them, then it appears your pre-frontal lobotomy was a success.
One more thing: The annoying rooster that was the subject of my last column [Cock-a-doodle don’t! Viewpoints, July 8] has become less annoying. He crows less, and when he does, his crow is muted. Now I must admit I don’t really mind this somewhat muted rooster. In fact the other morning as I sat on the porch watching the sunrise, his muffled crow made me think of Ronald Reagan’s memorable campaign commercial “Morning In America.” Aaah … the good old days.
