Overhyped hyperbolic exaggeration at its finest? (Whatever that means!)
Sunday, Sept. 10: Bears crush Packers 26-0
at Lambeau Field.
Slowly, Bears fans awake from a 20-year hibernation. They’ve lost a lot of weight. Luckily, they managed to survive when their bodies began feeding off the Italian beef sandwiches lodged in their arteries.
Sunday, Sept. 17: Bears crush Lions 34-7 at Soldier Field.
Still a bit out of sorts from their slumber, fans actually begin to be mild-mannered. The cursing face-painters politely shake hands with fans around them, quietly mumbling, “Football be with you ? and also with you.” One face-painter is even heard declaring, “To be Lovie is to be loved.”
Sunday, Sept. 24: Bears edge Vikings at Metrodome 19-16.
The Chicago Tribune stops publishing anything not Bears related. The entire paper is dedicated to the Bears. Every story even slightly connected to the Bears is published. The paper does a feature on kicker Robbie Gould’s high school girlfriend’s sister’s best friend’s cousin.
Sunday, Oct. 1: Bears crush Seahawks 37-6 at Soldier Field.
Every bridge along the Chicago River is raised in honor of the Bears. It takes three days for traffic to unclog, and the pigeons are still furious.
Sunday, Oct. 8: Bears crush Bills 40-7 at Soldier Field.
Former Bears coach Mike Ditka jumps down off his riverboat casino billboards to take part in the celebration, or to cash in. Ditka, Steve McMichael, Dan Hampton, Jim McMahon and Richard Dent consider suing the Bears over braggadocio rights. The group wants to halt any future gloating while it can. No lawyer will take the case.
Monday, Oct. 16: Bears edge Cardinals 24-23 at Cardinal Stadium.
The John Hancock Building is renamed The Brian Urlacher Building, the Magnificent Mile is renamed the Muhsin Muhammad Mile, and the Sears Tower is renamed the Adewale Ogunleye Cloudbuster.
Sunday, Oct. 29: Bears crush 49ers 41-10 at Soldier Field.
Running back Thomas Jones declares he’ll run for governor of Illinois. Cedric Benson is likely to be his opponent.
Sunday, Nov. 5: Bears fall to Dolphins 31-13 at Soldier Field.
In disgust over Bears quarterback Rex Grossman’s poor play, officials at the Field Museum erase the “Rex” from the Tyrannosaurus Rex exhibit. Bears fans begin to eat voraciously in anticipation of another 20-year coma. Ditka is back signing autographs at Jack Binion’s Horseshoe Casino in Hammond, Indiana.
Sunday, Nov. 12: Bears crush Giants 38-20 at Giants Stadium.
Rex is back at the Field Museum. Nine babies born in Chicago on this day are named Peanut, after cornerback Charles “Peanut” Tillman. The elevated train is now referred to as the Devin Hester Express. And the fireworks at Navy Pier burst to the tune of “Bear down Chicago Bears ? ”
Contact: bspencer@wjinc.com