Theme song for the Trump reality show

Opinion: Columns

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By Ken Trainor

Staff writer

I've been trying to come up with a song to accompany Donald Trump's reality TV presidency, but it's already been written: "Razzle Dazzle" from Chicago, the 1975 Bob Fosse musical (and 2002 Oscar-winning film), words by Fred Ebb, music by John Kander. You can find the tune online. Just imagine Richard Gere as Billy Flynn with orange hair.

Give 'em the old razzle dazzle

Razzle dazzle 'em

Give 'em an act with lots of flash in it

And the reaction will be passionate.

Impossible to be indifferent. If we ignored Trump, his base might begin to doubt him too. Our resistance, in their mind, validates him. Mindless hatred, they say. It's not. It's moral condemnation. There's a big difference. But the persistent roar of our outrage is just so much background noise for their standing ovation.

Give 'em the old hocus pocus

Bead and feather 'em

How can they see with sequins in their eyes?

What if your hinges all are rusting?

What if, in fact, you're just disgusting?

Razzle dazzle 'em

And they'll never catch wise.

Trump can't get enough of them, holding rallies, it seems, every week. And they can't get enough of him. So what if he lies? All politicians lie, right? He tells far more lies than the other guys do, but those are lies they can believe in. Yes, he's a womanizer. He cheated on his wife, all his wives. He's crooked in business. He's cozy with white supremacists. But he's anti-abortion! All is forgiven! He's completely self-serving. He may have betrayed everyone in his life, including his country, his oath of office, but he's on their side! He would never betray them. No way!

Give 'em the old razzle dazzle

Razzle dazzle 'em

Give 'em a show that's so splendiferous

Row after row will grow vociferous.

Pay no attention to that long train of abuses of power going on behind the curtain. Pay no attention to the fact that he acts more like a servant of the Kremlin than a defender of the Constitution. Pay no attention to his constant stream of Twitter insults, his adolescent ranting and emotionally unstable raving, the pure unadulterated meanness of the man. Pay no attention to his disdain for checks and balances and subpoenas. The law is for little people! He's above all that. He's the grand and powerful Oz in his great and unmatched wisdom, the chosen one, the savior, the most amazing president in U.S. history! 

Pay no attention to the polls and pundits. His rambling rallies tell the story. This impeachment stuff is baloney. He's innocent. A victim. Purely political. It's a professional wrestling match and row after row is howling for Trump's orange scalp, but his base only sees a white hat.

Give 'em the old flim flam flummox

Fool and fracture 'em

How can they hear the truth above the roar?

What is truth anyway? Truth is the winner's version. Pay no attention to the facts. As Reagan said, facts are stupid things. As Marx said (Groucho, not Karl), "Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?" They've been hoodwinked too many times by their own eyes. The American Dream was fake news.

Throw 'em a fake and a finagle

They'll never know you're just a bagel,

Razzle dazzle 'em

And they'll beg you for more!

The system is corrupt. They want someone to drain and destroy the swamp. It takes a corrupt person to battle a corrupt system. Fight fire with fire, corruption with corruption. The winner is the one who's the most entertaining and Trump is nothing if not entertaining. The Gospel According to Donald.

Give 'em the old double whammy,

Daze and dizzy 'em.

Back since the days of old Methuselah

Everyone loves the big bambooz-a-ler.

He speaks their language. They can read between his lines, loud and clear. He says what he means and even if he doesn't, they know what he means. He says what they want to hear. They're of one mind.

Give 'em the old three-ring circus

Stun and stagger 'em

When you're in trouble, go into your dance.

He's in trouble now and dancing to beat the band, dancing the dance of executive privilege and immunity. No one can touch him as long as he keeps up the beat.

Though you are stiffer than a girder

They'll let ya get away with murder

Razzle dazzle 'em

And you've got a romance.

Trump said he could shoot someone on 5th Avenue in broad daylight and get away with it. He'd plead self-defense, like he always does. 

Give 'em the old

Razzle dazzle

Razzle dazzle 'em

Give 'em an act that's unassailable

They'll wait a year 'til your available!

The base can't wait 'til 2020 to re-elect him. And if the other side impeaches him and tries to remove him from office, there will be hell to pay.

Give 'em the old

Double whammy

Daze and dizzy 'em

Show 'em the first-rate sorcerer you are.

Trump has plenty of tricks up his sleeves. He'll pull this election out of his hat. Four more years … at least!

Long as you keep 'em way off balance

How can they spot you got no talents?

Razzle dazzle 'em

And they'll make you a star!

Or as Roxie Hart says in Chicago: 

"The audience loves me. And I love them. And they love me for loving them. And I love them for loving me. And we love each other. And that's 'cause none of us got any love in our childhoods.

"And that's showbiz."


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