This just came across the news wire: Tim Tebow is the Higgs boson.
Yep, it seems the Broncos quarterback played a vital role in the creation of the universe after the Big Bang. He’s the missing “God particle.” It has been confirmed.
Well, it doesn’t come as a surprise after the Supreme One single-handedly defeated the Bears on Sunday afternoon. He stripped the ball from Marion Barber’s hands and also pushed him out of bounds when Barber should have been focused on running out the clock. He kicked a 59-yard field goal to win the game. He did all of this mid-prayer.
Tebow. Tebow. Tebow. Tebow. Tebow. Placebo. Tebow.
Pull up any ESPN media outlet, whether it be television, radio or grab a print publication and you’d swear it was E-S-TEBOW-N because the guy is everywhere. Monday evening before the St. Louis vs. Seattle snorefest on ESPN it was all Tebow. This morning I popped the ESPN Radio app on my phone and Waddle and Silvy were arguing Tebow’s place in this world. Tebow himself didn’t create this craze; he created life and Chris Berman.
Tebow is 7-1 since taking over the starting QB job for the Broncos, but the wins came from some rag-tag teams such as the Chiefs, Vikings and Dolphins. The head coaches for the Chiefs and the Dolphins have since been canned. And lest I remind you, the Bears entered Sunday’s game without their starting quarterback and running back. Still, the halo burns bright around Tebow’s head because he’s different from the rest of us. He thanks Christ his savior, while we’re cursing Hanie our ineffective backup quarterback. He brings antigravity to Mile High Stadium — though he forgot to reverse it back when Robbie Gould kicked his 57-yarder on Sunday.
To be honest we don’t know much about Tebow and we’re not about to get swept up in the Tebow craze. It’s likely to get derailed this weekend anyway by Tom Brady and the Patriots. This is what we do know about Tebow:
- His quarterbacking style is unconventional for the NFL, better suited for college, where he also thrived.
- I’ve seen this before with Kurt Warner, and Warner went on to win Super Bowls.
- He may be winning because he’s never experienced sex. Okay, there’s no scientific study to prove that’s why Tebow is leading the Broncos to victory, but he has claimed in interviews that he is abstaining from sex until he is married. That must be quite a challenge for the 24-year-old. Go ahead and Google Tebow’s past girlfriends and prepare to slap the money down on Seinfeld’s kitchen table. You’ll be out before Kramer.
I have a confession, I’m not sure what the Higgs boson is — hopefully, it’s a QB on waivers — but I’m tired of seeing and hearing about Tebow. God bless him for his stalwart religious beliefs, and Godspeed to the Bears and their playoff chances. A prayer is certainly in order for the latter.
bspencer@oakpark.com
Twitter: @oakparksports
