Go ahead, screw the Christmas cards

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We know that many of you will be sneaking off to Roosevelt Middle School in River Forest from 7 to 8 p.m. on the evening of Wednesday, Dec. 14. (Have you remembered to RSVP to Janet at 771-8282?) And we know why you're going there. But don't worry, we won't tell your children.

You're going to Roosevelt's computer lab for a Holiday E-cards class for adults. Right? Which, of course, your children would already know how to make, if they were interested in sending holiday cards, which they're not. You are not interested in sending them, either. But you have to, because it makes society nice.

We wouldn't presume to tell you how to spend your time, in these last 11 days leading up to Christmas, but what you should be doing is sitting around your kitchen table, surrounded by envelopes, stamps, your Rolodex and a cup of coffee. You should get up to answer the phone and spill the cup of coffee onto the Rolodex. You should grab the kitchen towel, tripping over the dog, who hasn't had a walk. You should take him on a walk.

When you get back, you should rake the contents of your kitchen table into a garbage bag. You should then go look through your bookshelves and pick three fiction books you've already read. Take them to the River Forest Park District Book Exchange for adults at 401 Thatcher Ave. on Friday, Dec. 16, from 12 to 1:30 p.m. (366-6660). You'll also need a sack lunch. But don't go back home to get it, or you'll get all flustered again. Wouldn't it just be easier to compose one clever e-mail and send it off to everybody on your holiday card list? But that, my friends, is the devil talking.

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