I was musing over the current fiscal crisis in Illinois government when a brilliant notion hit me like an icy slush ball on a chill winter day. The problem with government is that it has no competition. When I was a mere lad, the Post Office was a joke, a paradigm of inefficiency and customer neglect. Then it got competition from the likes of UPS and FedEx. Whamo, the postal service got religion: make better products, be nice to customers. Springfield needs competition; Illinois citizens need to out-source our state government.
Out-sourcing is a proven concept throughout the business world. There are 49 other state governments that might be willing to run Illinois for a fee. First, we hire a consulting firm to handle the search. We create an RFB (request for bid) and send it to the best state governments.
We would need a set of criteria for deciding who we want to invite to bid on running Illinois. Some criteria that come to mind are:
Six states have no state income tax; they must be doing something right.
Six states have bans on the open carry of handguns. Illinois is one. That might be a good thing to look at.
Alaska, Colorado, and Oregon might be attractive to Illinois citizens who like to toke up. Pot is legal in those states.
And how about: No governor of the state has ever been put in prison.
Fiscal responsibility would be important. Is the bidding-state solvent? Does it pay its bills? Does it have a budget deficit? Does it have a budget?
A 2016 ranking by the Mercatus Center at George Mason University puts Alaska as the number one state for fiscal responsibility. Illinois ranks 47; that means there are 46 states to choose from that are doing better than Illinois.
I personally favor Hawaii. It ranks 45 on the Mercatus list, not much better than Illinois, but, hey, it’s Hawaii! We could negotiate some really good discounts for Illinois citizens on trips to the Aloha State. Mahalo nui loa!
Think of the advantages of out-sourcing. We would cap the cost of state government. If we were not happy with the off-site government we chose, we are only stuck with it for the term of the contract — say, two years. We could dump one state and pick another one.
As with the USPS, competition drives performance. Imagine our government treating us well; being polite to us on the phone; saying, “Your call is really important to us.”
Yeah, there would be some tough choices. For example, would the contract with our off-site government allow us to vote in their elections? We Illinoisans have been electing our state officials for some time now. It does not seem to have done us much good.
Maybe we’re not such smart voters. Perhaps we should stay out of the election process and let someone else decide what is best for us. Give up control; get all Zen about government.
I know. It sounds absurd. But as Miguel de Unamuno said in 1905 of the novel Don Quixote, “Only a person who attempts the absurd can achieve the impossible.” The impossible: getting Illinois government to behave responsibly.
Charles Hughes is an Oak Park resident and a practicing therapist in the village.
