After reading the “Multi-Hazard Mitigation Report” report released by the village this week our staff got to thinking. Aren’t there some disasters this report doesn’t cover? Aren’t those going to be the really bad disasters, the ones we haven’t assessed and planned for? So our staff came up with a list of five that weren’t addressed in the report but we feel deserve urgent attention.
1) Volcano – If we learned anything from 1997 movie Volcano, it’s that wherever there can be earthquakes there can also be volcanoes. Since we can’t count on hiring Tommy Lee Jones as our Village Manager we’ll just rely on the rest of his plan for stopping a volcano. Knock down the tallest building in the village – preferably one that’s still under construction – and use the building to divert the flow of lava on the Eisenhower expressway where it will safely travel away from Oak Park.
2) Aliens – Should an encounter with extraterrestrial beings occur specific steps will need to be taken. As new residents in our community these beings will have unique needs for the village to meet. A report will be commissioned to determine their shopping, dining and living preferences. Parking enforcement will present a specific challenge – as their spacecraft will likely hover above parked cars. Parking Enforcement may need to be issued helicopters or another flight-capable vehicle in order to property ticket these spacecraft.
3) Zombies – The appeal of Oak Park to Zombies is clear, as our community possesses a higher than average brain mass per capita. Oak Park residents are free to protect themselves with their firearm of choice due to recent legal action. However there is only one gun shop in town, so other business districts may feel customers drawn away, despite their fashionable selection of holsters, slings and ammunition pouches. Since Oak Park is an “unloaded” community, residents will have to venture outside the village to purchase ammunition from neighboring communities.
4) Large Monster – Whether it’s Godzilla, King Kong or the nameless monster from the movie Cloverfield, a large monster will likely be most interested in destroying the city of Chicago, rather than its surrounding suburbs. Without more tall buildings, we feel it is unlikely our community will be able to attract a large enough monster to satisfy our disaster needs.
5) Asteroid – Oak Park has ties to a former astronaut, but with the space shuttle program shuttered, an Armageddon type mission is not feasible. The possibility of funding a missile defense program through an inter-governmental agreement should be explored.