Had a terrible nightmare recently. It was horrific. Woke up on the couch, cold but sweating, Tostitos crumbs scattered atop a guacamole stain on my shirt. Disheveled, I tried to shake the ghastly images from my head.
Someone was trying to sing the National Anthem and failing miserably. A man was licking Doritos residue from the fingers of another man. There were monkeys driving cars and people throwing soft drink cans at the heads of other people.
I’m telling you, it was the strangest nightmare I’ve ever had.
Roseanne Barr was there, and she was blindsided by a California redwood log. Some guy I’d never seen before was hit in the crotch with a Pepsi Max can. Nothing says nightmare like Terry Bradshaw. He showed up more than once.
Things took a turn for the worse when Ozzy Osbourne and Justin Bieber appeared together. I don’t know what goDaddy.com is, but my conscience is telling me I need to find out.
There were vomit colors of green and gold everywhere. Then, just when I thought this horror flick in my brain was nearing an end, four people descended from the roof of a sports stadium dressed in neon lights and started singing, worse still, convulsing.
It was frightful. The faceless Slash came out of nowhere, Usher danced a jig, and someone kept talking like a deranged robot. The Packers were up 21-10 at halftime of — what the Joe Buck! — Super Bowl XLV?
Holy hotwings! It’s terrifying just recalling this nightmare from hell. I’m getting chills, turning pale and I think I may throw up a little.
Bart Starr was there, kept seeing Bart Starr. Several Glee promos flashed by, only to cause more distortion to the meaning behind this freakish allusion. I don’t even care for the word glee, never described something as gleeful in my life. Why so much glee tinctured with neon dancers in this nightmare?
And the setting, for what I’m beginning to think was more of a hallucination than a nightmare, was Texas of all places. And it was cold and snowy in Texas! How nuts is that?
Who spiked my guacamole dip?
I awoke instantly when the nightmare peaked with the Vince Lombardi trophy being handed to the Packers, a team the Bears could have and should have eliminated from the playoffs by winning their final regular season game. I’m still haunted by this terrifying thought, gives me the willies just thinking about it.
I’m referring to that Bears loss now. That’s when this nightmare began.