April Fools’ Edition
Following failure to pass a referendum to build a new rec center, the River Forest Park District has turned its focus to a polo field at Thatcher Woods.
The plan, according to sources inside district headquarters, is to buy Thatcher Woods from the Cook County Forest Preserve District and raise the money privately from bankers and hedge fund managers who live in River Forest. Board members believe that, since the land is mainly used by teenagers taking drugs and couples looking for a quick hookup, the cash-strapped FPD might be willing to deal.
Given the failure to pass a referendum to build a new rec center, the park board does not believe taxpayers would go for a 300-yard by 150-yard polo field that only eight horses and riders can use at any one time. Hence, the need to raise the money privately.
The idea of a polo field comes from the belief of certain board members that standards have slipped in recent years, and that the character of the community is changing for the worse.
These members couldn’t believe Obama carried River Forest in the 2008 presidential election. They also believe soccer, while immensely popular among River Forest youth, is a working-class sport and should not be encouraged to expand in the village. According to sources in the park district, a state-of-the-art polo field would attract South American playboys, Russian oil tycoons, Arabian sheiks and British lords.
One board member was heard to say: “This village was founded by the idle rich and we need to get back to our earliest principles. I have a dream of gin and tonics on the veranda, with the sun setting after a few chukkas.” This board member was reportedly wearing a monocle.