April Fools’ Edition
Outraged by the genteel manners of their Oak Park and River Forest patrons, Forest Park bar owners have vowed to exclude neighboring villagers from their establishments. A spokesman for the Forest Park Liquor Association provided a list of offenses against the local drinking community.

These activities have had a detrimental effect on regulars, who prefer to discuss the Chicago Bears year-round. The Oak Parkers bring such an air of boredom into the bar, the other customers would rather go home and drink. Liquor sales have tumbled, as shot-and-a-beer guys find themselves elbowed out by snooty Merlot sippers.

Forest Park already has ordinances governing the conduct of bar patrons, but most address obnoxious and violent behavior. Commissioners have vowed to draft a new ordinance barring uppity intellectual activity. At the most recent council meeting, they listened to hours of testimony from disgruntled bartenders and longtime barstool residents.

Complaints were made about overly moderate drinking, insufficient profanity, and an abnormal lack of belligerence. They related horror stories of overdressed couples emptying out rowdy establishments with their attitudes of superiority and insipid conversations.

One patron tried to pick a fight with an Oak Parker, but the man violated bar-room etiquette by calling the police instead of his friends. That was no way to settle the time-honored dispute over who had the best third baseman – the Sox or the Cubs. Another customer said he was driven off his barstool by an Oak Parker yakking on his cellphone about how his 9-year-old made the traveling soccer team.

Oak Parkers and River Foresters alike have been outraged by Forest Park’s reaction to their presence. One OPRF alumnus said he would sue for his right to drink in Forest Park, because there are no good bars in Oak Park or River Forest. In fact, he’s considering a class-action suit by all the soccer moms and CEOs in his neighborhood.

Other residents of Oak Park and River Forest intend to wear scruffy jeans, switch to straight shots, and talk with their mouths full. Some have considered taking up smoking, or at least chewing tobacco.

It’s not clear whether these changes will gain them re-admittance under the new ordinance, but it’s a step in the right direction. As one bartender lamented, “Gimme a drunken off-duty Chicago cop, or an angry ex-boyfriend – anything but those wusses from Oak Park and River Forest.”

The offenses


  • Bringing books onto the premises
  • Engaging in intellectual conversation about animal welfare
  • Bragging about their honor-student children

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