You may have heard that a Phillies fan last week was charged with soliciting prostitution and related misdemeanors after advertising herself on Craigslist as a buxom blond who was desperately seeking World Series tickets and would do anything to get them. It was reported that Susan Finkelstein, 43, who is married and a mother living in Philadelphia, met with an undercover police officer who had replied to the ad. Finkelstein reportedly told the officer she was willing to engage in various sexual acts in return for tickets.

It got me thinking – if the Cubs ever do make the World Series in my lifetime, to what extent would I go to get tickets? The simple answer is: I’d make sweet love to a porcupine for Cubs World Series tickets. No, that’s not true and besides it’s physically impossible, isn’t it? Don’t answer that.

What I wouldn’t do is commit a crime, either one that violates a strictly moralistic standard or that of a criminal type, but I’d do just about anything else. So, have your way with me!

Wait. Before you send me to the sewers to spend the night with rodents, alligators and a putrid smell only my 5-month-old’s diapers can compete with, you must know that I won’t do anything that may cause me bodily harm and/or death. I have four children, all girls, and a wife who would probably have difficulty explaining to family members that I came to my demise bungee jumping naked off the Trump Hotel and Tower while trying to earn Cubs World Series tickets.

“Oh, how sad, he lost his mind then?”

“No. Well, yeah, I guess he did.”

I’m up for anything else though – anything – as long as it doesn’t involve pain, humiliation or an itchy dry rash.

Again, wait. I take back that humiliation factor. A colleague of mine here at the newspaper, a Red Sox fan, said if he weren’t married he’d seriously consider “whoring” himself out for Sox tickets. But unlike myself, my co-worker said he would not wear an opposing team’s uniform and sit behind home plate at Fenway in clear camera view for an entire series.

“Too humiliating,” he sighed.

What’s more humiliating, I ask, getting funky with Jabba the Hut or sitting comfortably in the first row at Wrigley in Yankee stripes?

All depends on your definition of humiliation or how far you want to take the team loyalty thing, I suppose. I love the Cubs, and I’d wear a Yankee uniform to Wrigley proudly for free World Series tickets. I would live with the imminent ridicule because, by golly, I’d be sitting front row when the Cubs beat the Yanks to win their first World Series in 101 years!

Oh no, I’ve already lost my mind.

Contact: bspencer@wjinc.com

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Brad Spencer

Brad Spencer has been covering sports in and around Oak Park for more than a decade, which means the young athletes he once covered in high school are now out of college and at home living with their parents...