Like many of you, I was pretty surprised to find out that Chicago wasn’t even close to winning the International Olympic Committee’s beauty contest to host the 2016 Olympics. All the experts said Chicago was in a real horse race with Rio. Oak Park of course had a vital economic interest in the 2016 Olympics. Those of us living next to Green Line and Blue Line stops would have rented our homes to gullible foreigners for exorbitant amounts, and the Colt building site would have been perfect for the Olympic natarium. I figured that when Barack swooped in to Copenhagen, at the very end it was probably a done deal.

So when it was announced Chicago came in last and Rio got the bid, I was at first somewhat mystified. I appreciate that South America had never hosted an Olympics since the modern movement was founded in 1896, but the same is true for Africa and Antarctica. Plus let’s be honest, Rio is a really poor choice. A recent New Yorker piece details that there is an area in Rio where in excess of a million people live, and the police simply refuse to go there out of fear or indifference. Austin is a pretty tough area, but come on; the cops go there even at night. Isn’t Brazil’s greatest cultural contribution the invention of men in bolero pants running to your table with carcasses of roasted animals that they then hack off in big chunks for you to devour? And then there’s Carnivale, where everyone gets drunk and has sex with themselves and everyone else. Nice country.

But the reason we didn’t get the bid has nothing to do with Chicago and everything to do with the makeup of the committee. A little history lesson is necessary. The current Olympics were founded in 1896 by a bunch of European royalty types. You know, dukes, earls and countesses. The men wore monocles and women’s underwear, and the women lusted after horses. These new Olympics were founded to get the masses focused on amateur sport so the working man would spend his time running, swimming and jumping around – rather than storming the nearest manor, killing their effete masters and eating their pheasants.

Flash forward to 2009, and about 120 of the great grandsons (and a tiny few feminine offspring) of these royals are deciding who gets to host. I don’t know how to put this, but these toffs and wankers probably don’t like black people since their ancestors’ fortunes were built exploiting people of color. So sending the Obamas and Oprah actually doomed us. We needed to send some cool American white people, but there aren’t any. Think about it. Of course if we hadn’t blown all our dough on Iraq and tax cuts for the rich, we would have had lots of money for bribes and threatened invasions. So Chicago’s failed bid is yet another Bush failure.

Too bad. Time to move on. I’ve shifted my attention to the 2028 Olympics, when my now year-old granddaughter Lily will be going for the gold in swimming, gymnastics and soccer.

John Hubbuch, an Indiana native who moved to Oak Park in 1976, is a retired lawyer. Hubbuch served on the District 97 school board and coached youth sports. He is the father of three and grandfather of one.

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John Hubbuch

John is an Indiana native who moved to Oak Park in 1976. He served on the District 97 school board, coached youth sports and, more recently, retired from the law. That left him time to become a Wednesday...