I shouldn’t speak it, think it or even consider it. It’s unlawful, I know. It’s despicable, yes. One whisper of the word and it can spread like Swine Flu, West Nile Virus or hemorrhoids. But I can’t take it anymore. It’s driving me mad. I must give in and announce: I’m bored.
It came on a few weeks ago after watching Cubs ace Carlos Zambrano throw a temper-tantrum during a game in which he was pitching. Zambrano argued a call at home plate, then tossed a ball into the outfield and proceeded to beat a Gatorade dispenser to death with a bat in the dugout. Normally, I would have been amused by this sort of display, laughing and egging him on. But I wasn’t in the least bit surprised or interested. My kids have more scruples than this millionaire, bounding around the field crying foul because something did not go his way. He looked like a fool. Later in the week, Zambrano had the gall to threaten that he would be done with baseball after his contract was up in five years with the Cubs.
“After this contract, I’m done,” he said. “I’m serious. I don’t want to play. I want to help this team, I want to do everything possible to win with this team, but after five years or four years, or whatever I have left on my contract, I just don’t want to play.”
Yeah, being rich, young and playing baseball for a living, that’s tough work. Big Z, you bore me.
In order to snap out of the doldrums I find myself in, I figured I could turn my attention to the U.S. Open coming up soon, but who’s expected to win it? Tiger Woods, of course. Woods is great, don’t get me wrong, but I was enjoying watching lesser-known golfers win major tournaments. So, Woods, and I say this with all due respect, you bore me.
Basketball? NBA Championship? Hello? Lakers. This will give Kobe Bryant, what, four titles? I was bored after the second one. Lakers, you bore me.
Which reminds me of what Lebron James did, or, more appropriately, didn’t do after his Cleveland Cavaliers were eliminated by Orlando in the NBA playoffs a few weeks ago. James chose not to shake the hands of the Magic players after the game. He said later that he has a difficult time congratulating those he loses to.
Cue the long sigh, roll of the eyes and slight swivel of the head. King James, you bore me.
Former Cubs slugger Sammy Sosa, who hit 609 home runs during his career, recently told ESPN, “I will calmly wait for my induction to the Baseball Hall of Fame. Don’t I have the numbers to be inducted?”
Sosa, who was caught using a corked bat, who left a game early, and who was suspected of using performance-enhancing drugs, bores me.
I just realized something: I’m boring you. How quickly this thing spreads.
Contact: bspencer@wjinc.com
