For my final column of 2008, I decided to extract sentences or quotes from one column of each month I wrote throughout the year and paste them into, hopefully, a somewhat cohesive article that either makes a little sense or no sense at all. I will start with a column written in January and go in chronological order to December, picking completely at random so as to not compromise the stupidity of this project.
Let’s try it and see what happens. Here goes:
Jan. 2-Michael Vick locked in a cell with a pack of rabid pitbulls. I’ve always wanted to be able to say, “Chopper, sick balls of holly!”
Feb. 6-The steroids scandal in baseball and other sports bounced around in my head like a Charlie Hough knuckler, never really hitting anything.
March 26-We’ll all be running for something, and I may be running to stay upwind of some folks, if you know what I mean.
April 9-Yep, this is my annual “The Cubs, ugh … the Cubs,” column where I inform you that everyone has a breaking point.
May 7-“My brother kind of led me into it. He likes to try new things, while I’m a bit timid, but this event I really took to and made it my own,” says Peter Geraghty, who broke the 23-year-old indoor vault record at OPRF with a spring of 15-feet-1-inch.
June 11-“I know I’ll go to sleep tonight disappointed that we lost, but I won’t wakeup tomorrow morning with that disappointment,” said OPRF head baseball coach Chris Ledbetter. “I am extremely proud of this team and what these players have accomplished this season. We’re all a little down right now, but it won’t last.”
July 30-Not one interview. Not one appearance on Jerry Springer. Not one penny accepted in five years. [Steve] Bartman has shown more maturity in that time span than most of us do in a lifetime. He’s shown more maturity than a plethora of pro ballplayers.
Aug. 6-My sandals reek of an odor unidentifiable, but mostly nauseating.
Sept. 17-Like many in Oak Park and River Forest on Saturday and Sunday, I was tromping around in soggy socks, shoes and shorts, cursing the skies and then apologizing profusely for the cursing and asking those same skies to show some mercy. “For the love of Peat Moss, just drizzle!”
Oct. 1-Sat down Cubs to write my column today Cubs and this is all Cubs the data my brain spat Cubs forth: Cubs Cubs Cubs Cubs Cubs Cubs Cubs Cubs Cubs Cubs Cubs Cubs Cubs Cubs Cubs Cubs Cubs Cubs Cubs Cubs Cubs Cubs chicken crispers Cubs Cubs Cubs Cubs Cubs Cubs Cubs Cubs Cubs Cubs.
Nov. 12-Didn’t the Cubs let you down? Didn’t they break your heart? Didn’t they commit four errors in one game? How can you be so forgiving? Can’t you see that you’re selling out by selling out this Cubs fest?
Dec. 31-For my final column of 2008, I decided to extract either sentences or quotes from one column of each month I wrote throughout the year and paste them into, hopefully, a somewhat cohesive article that either makes a little sense or no sense at all.
Contact: bspencer@wjinc.com
