Please help us. Our house has been taken over by Stuff. It says it’s in charge now. We try puffing out our chest and threatening to start tossing things out in the alley, but our objects just surround us, cackling maniacally and pointing out that it’s not that easy. We can’t just throw them away, they sneer. They have to be sorted, individually evaluated, recycled or saved for a Salvation Army pick-up, or we must drive them into Chicago to the hazardous waste dumpsite.

But now we have a plan. We’ll show them. With the same ironclad logic that guides us toward ice cream sundaes when we’re feeling fat, we plan to attend a couple of events this week that will no doubt result in our bringing home yet more motley items of dubious value to stuff into the attic and basement.

We obviously cannot stay away from the Garage Sale for Alzheimer’s and Malaria at 601 N. Grove Ave. on Saturday, July 26, from 10 a.m. to 1 p.m. Proceeds benefit the Alzheimer’s Association and Nets for Malaria, and how often can one say that?

Furthermore, the village itself is conspiring to send us running hysterically after the next freight train through town by hosting the annual Downtown Oak Park Summer Sidewalk Sale, Thursday through Sunday, July 24-27 (www.downtownoakpark.net), with live music and, presumably, a plethora of opportunities to purchase items that we have, so far, failed to purchase. Stuff, stuff everywhere! Hahaha! More and more and more useless stuff! Wait, we didn’t mean it! Stay away from us! No, no, we’re sorry; get back on that shelf! We apologize. We’ll just stand over here in the corner. Better yet, we’ll just go out and stand in the backyard. You can have the house!

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