Do, you want to know what was on my Christmas wish list? Well, now that the day has come and gone, I can tell you.
Steroids, HGH, which stands for Horse-Guy Hormone. The competition for these community sports editor jobs is getting fierce. I need to bulk up. But I’ve yet to find anyone to do the injecting. Who’s willing? Warning: It won’t be pretty.
Forty-eight million dollars over four years to give to the Cubs for a Japanese ballplayer who underwent elbow surgery during the offseason and has never played a game in the major leagues. (Kosuke Fukudome, I’m not sure I want my kids attempting to pronounce your last name, but good luck next season proving you’re worth it.)
Michael Vick locked in a cell with a pack of rabid pitbulls. I’ve always wanted to be able to say, “Chopper, sick balls of holly!”
Somebody, anyone, to stop signing Alex Rodriguez to 10-year $200-plus million dollar contracts. That’s twice now. It’s overload.
For professional hockey players to stop brawling during games. If those guys took the determination and energy they put into trying to punch each other’s lights out while on skates and used it to focus on scoring more goals, perhaps the games would be more thrilling. Besides, do they know how ridiculous they look?
Tiger Woods-like golfing ability for just two 18-hole rounds. First, I’m going to win back a lot of money from my pals. Then, I’m going to shock dear ole Dad out of his Nike socks.
A sport that hasn’t been tainted by performance-enhancing drugs or the designated hitter.
Hands to be used in soccer. A sport where you can’t use your hands is sacrilegious.
A new quarterback for the Bears. Has anyone seen Devin Hester throw?
My own renewed interest in the NBA. Haven’t watched or cared for years. March Madness is the mainline where I stoke my basketball jones. But when the Bears don’t make the playoffs, I’m a slump-shouldered couch ornament till March.
Pixie dust to get into the eyes of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady during the Super Bowl. He throws an interception and New England loses their first game of the season. Can’t be having it: Red Sox winning the World Series, Patriots the Super Bowl, and then who knows what else, even the Celtics are on track for an NBA title.
Athleticism to come to ultimate fighting. Maybe some protective gear, too, and strategy, and purpose. Otherwise these guys are just hockey players without the skates.