We can no longer keep the snarling, two-ton Santa out of the house. He’s managed to get one greasy hand through the door. Any minute now, the rest of his drunken self will force itself inside, like a bowlful of cheap grape jelly. He’s determined to leave us presents, and we don’t want any.

“Hey, clinically obese guy!” we shout, grabbing our robe and losing a slipper as we scramble down the front steps, “take these back!”

We don’t have time to deal with any more matter at the moment, so please don’t give us a present this year. If we love it, we’ll have to figure out where to put it. We’ll have to remember to wear it when we see you or use it when you come over. If we hate it, we’ll have to give it away because just tossing it into the trash would be wasteful. If we know someone who would appreciate it, we have to remember to take it with us next time we visit. If no one could possibly want it, we have to wait for AmVets to pick it up. When AmVets calls, we have to find the calendar and write down the pick-up date. On pick-up day, we have to get it out on the front porch by 7:30 a.m., or we have to remember everything all over again next month.

On the other hand, Poinsettias With Purpose sounds like a good idea. Through Nov. 19, we can order poinsettias to benefit Community Support Services for people with developmental disabilities (688-2107). Yes, we still have to remember to pick them up on Saturday, Dec. 1, at Oak Park’s Field Center (behind Mann School). But that’s when our responsibility ends. Eventually the hardy plant will just die, and we’ll be done with it. Happy Holidays!

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