We’re going to the Zap Tobacco Cravings class at Dole Center tonight. We don’t smoke cigarettes, but we’re hoping they won’t notice. At last, we will learn how to zap things! If the park district alleges that their technique can annihilate the desire to smoke cigarettes, why wouldn’t it work on other evil practices, like leaving out Christmas decorations until spring? ZZZ-A-A-A-PPP! Fragments of wreath floating through the air. We have been practicing, using what we feel are appropriate gestures, but so far nothing has exploded and/or disappeared. Maybe we’ll see you at the zap class tonight, Wednesday, April 11, from 7 to 9 p.m. at Dole Center (oakparkparks.com).

Elsewhere, the Oak Park Area Arts Council’s Summer Teen Arts Employment Program (358-5690) is already stalking our young people. These innocent lambs, ages 16 to 19, are allegedly being lured with promises of pay to serve as apprentices to professional artists in June and July, with an end goal of producing

a) a public art mural; and

b) the mistaken impression that if one creates meaningful art, then one will be paid for it.

No, no, you mesmerized youth, pull yourselves away! That way lies the poorhouse; we know. Major in business! It’s not too late! Oh, you nefarious Oak Park Area Arts Council, shame on you.

We don’t know what peace sounds like, but we would be very interested in finding out. Shem Center for Interfaith Spirituality hosts a fundraiser called Sounds of Peace on Sunday, April 15, at 3 p.m. (848-1095). We plan to take a small tape recorder. Maybe we could make a little money selling peaceful sound cassettes outside Whole Foods. Hey, we should set up a post-summer-arts-program workshop, so those poor teenagers can learn money-making strategies for the real world.

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