According to a recent crime report in Wednesday Journal, “A man in his 20s, who had been thrown out of the White Hen Pantry, 7991 Lake St., the night of Jan. 26, for trying to steal candy, came back later and pointed a ‘shiny object’ at the front window just before it broke.”

When I read this, I asked myself how could pointing a shiny object at a window break it? Ahhh, I concluded, the man disintegrated the glass. His “shiny object” was a directed energy weapon like a ray gun, a laser blaster, a plasma pistol or a portable photon beam cannon.

I thought the only man who could possess such a weapon works for Vice President Cheney in his Office of Presidential Anti-Missile Defense Systems, a subprogram of National Missile Defense. The researchers in this secret program are attempting to create a personal particle beam weapon, and they carry out their work in a large walk-in closet of Cheney’s office.

The vice president believes the president and vice president need their own personal ray guns to protect the office of the presidency from terrorists and people who ask too many questions about Cheney’s lesbian daughter. The vice president would also like one for pheasant hunting.

Cheney is said to keep a prototype of this weapon in his desk drawer and shows it to visiting gun lobbyists and leaders of the NRA. They moan in awe at the sight of the futuristic weapon and ask, with delectable envy dripping from their oozy voices, “Dang, Vice, where can I get one of those?”

However, it seems unlikely that the culprit who broke the window at White Hen works in the office of the vice president. If one of the researchers wanted candy, they could just eat some of the tons of leftover jelly beans Ronald Reagan donated, upon leaving office, to the executive branch as a token of his appreciation.

The only other so-called “person” who would have a ray gun is an alien, and I don’t mean some illegal immigrant from Mexico. I mean a true-on, X-Files, card-carrying alien from outer space.

Therefore, we must have an alien meandering through Oak Park with a ray gun. Maybe he lives here. Maybe he’s a homeowner. You may scoff at this thought. You may wonder, “How can an alien buy a house in Oak Park?” Just consider, if an alien can afford a ray gun and a spaceship to transport him here, he can afford to buy a house in Oak Park. He might not be able to afford to live here because of the property taxes, but he could afford at least to buy here.

If he is a homeowner, what will he think when his first property tax installment comes in the mail? He disintegrated a window over some petty candy. When he sees what he must pay in property taxes, he might take that “shiny object” of his and vaporize the OPRF High School Board of Education, Oak Park Village Hall, and the office of District 97 in that order.

Does the Village of Oak Park have a plan to address aliens and their ray guns?

We can only hope so.

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