No, dear; Valentine’s Day was not named after a massacre. All those men were shot because they gave their sweeties lame Valentine’s Day gifts. You remember our talk about boys who give girls lame presents? Right: you must punish them or they’ll never learn.

Never in a million years would we have talked like this-like we were wearing rhinestone-studded cat’s-eye glasses and high heels with maribou-before we’d been married for 19 years. But it has recently come to our attention that we will never again fall in love for the first time, so now we need special compensation when romance is in the air … or we’ll grieve.

So, men-and the onus is on males, of course, because you must be the ones responsible for brassiere fashions changing every two years-sit up and drink your Red Bulls. It’s time to create a shower of fairy dust for your chosen one.

Allow us to list some possibilities:

If you are in the under-12 group, your loins may not yet have been moved in the direction of steadfast commitment, but then again, they may. Go to the Free Valentine’s Day Card Workshop at Minuteman Press, 6949 North Ave. (524-4940), Saturday, Feb. 10, from 10-11 a.m.; dig deep down into the well of your romantic imagination, and anoint your tribute with fanciful expressions of adoration. Then kneel on one knee as you proffer the token, with one lone tear glistening in your eye.

If you are a father or a son, consider the Father Daughter/Mother Son Valentine’s Day Dance at West Cook YMCA, 255 S. Marion St. (383-5200), on Saturday, Feb. 10. Your daughter will feel cherished, and your wife, believe it or not, will love you even more for treating your beautiful girl like a princess.

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