We’ve decided to make a mid-life career change and become a spy. Our first mission, naturally, will be to find the correct clothes to wear. We saw a picture of the kind of ensemble that says, “I am about to take you out with a karate kick,” at Plan B Gallery, 7453 Madison St., Forest Park (488-1833). We’re going back to take another look at their exhibit of work by Mario J. Lipira, Of Time and Space, which also includes time machines. Obviously, one of those babies would come in handy, if we were trapped in a warehouse or under attack by hostile parties.

Compared to the world-threatening sickos we’ll be dealing with, members of the Chicago Mob look like nursery school teachers. But we’re going on the trolley tour on Sunday, Sept. 24, anyway (848-6755). Welcome to the Neighbor Hood is a two-hour tour of 14 homes in Oak Park and River Forest that were once owned by reputed members of organized crime. It’s good to walk a mile in the shoes of the enemy, so we can start thinking like they do. And deciding what kind of spy shoes to buy.

The unexamined spy is not worth being, so we’re also going to see the documentary Why We Fight, an examination of the military industrial complex, sponsored by the Oak Park Coalition for Truth and Justice, on Sunday, Sept. 24, at 2 p.m. at Oak Park Public Library (668-7945). We must have absolute control over mind and body, so as to be impervious to torture. Perhaps we should advise our family to go into witness protection. The children would give us major grief, anyway, when we start driving around town in the station wagon, wearing our ain’t-we-bad black rubber suit.

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