Dateline July 2006 – Location: Oak Park, Illinois. This week as the Gay Games have descended on Chicago and surrounding areas, the township of Oak Park has been pinpointed and held hostage by crazed homosexuals. As with every other prior Gay Game location, chaos has taken root in this innocent, God-fearing community. Jealous straight men who wished they had made the “choice” to be gay are flocking to gay recruiting stations all over town. Gay men have been sighted at “straight” restaurants. Lesbians stand outside Mephisto to debate if Birkenstocks really are a better deal. Leather lemonade stands have sprouted up on every corner. Angry heterosexuals who wish to sign up for totally gay activities such as pool, football, and body-building are being turned away. And, in an act of sacrilege, the lesbian rugby team prays before their game. Knowing that straight people never go to clubs to drink or meet other straights, gays and lesbians from around the world visit local gay homes for the purpose of talking and drinking!

But after much praying, the totally Christian population of Oak Park has managed to summon Jesus Christ to arrive and to end the evil once and for all. Upon entering the swimming venue, where gays are singing satanic chants before taking to the water, Jesus enters with his flock. Silence falls over the stadium. He turns to Karhryn Kircher, one of his most devoted, and states, “Why don’t you save your weeping for something that truly matters. There is so much pain in the world that we could do something about. All faiths, all atheists, all agnostics, all people, no matter their race, sexual orientation, or whatever label you all have used to divide each other, are still children of my father. I heard there is a war going on, people in the Gulf states have no homes, and there is suffering all over the world from cancer, AIDS, and so much more. I have done something to help all these issues. Have you? Now if you will forgive me. I want to swim with some of my peeps. You know I have always loved water.”

Michael Hining
Oak Park

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