The village trustees of Oak Park have three options when considering a proposition before them. They can vote yes, no, or abstain.

We are living in the 21st century, the last time I checked anyway. Three options seems obsolete. My cable provider offers over 100 channels, not including the pay per view selections like Hot. If an average cable subscriber has 100 or more options, it seems ridiculous the trustees of Oak Park have only three options.

Here are some examples of other voting options the trustees should exercise.

The Neigh Vote: When a trustee invokes the neigh vote, he stands up and whinnies like a jacked up racehorse. This action indicates a no vote and allows, at the conclusion of the meeting, those audience members who support the trustee’s neigh vote to put carrots in his mouth. The neigh vote protects trustees from the charge of bribery, calling the feeding of carrots to elected officials a First Amendment right.

Partly Yes or Partly No Vote: If a trustee agrees with only part of a proposition, he votes partly yes and his vote counts as half a vote in favor of the proposition. Likewise, a trustee who disagrees with part of a proposition votes partly no. In case half the trustees vote partly yes and the other half vote partly no or vice versa, the proposition is called “safe” and passed because a tie always goes to the runner or the proposition, whichever is more equivalent.

“Huh?” Vote: A trustee who votes “huh?” has no idea what the proposed legislation before the board means or intends. This occurs for many reasons. The trustee fell asleep, was watching himself on the public access channel, or was reading the local papers looking for any mention of his name. When a trustee votes “huh?,” he gives up his vote to the control of the village manager. The village manager takes the vote, symbolizes it with a twenty-dollar bill, and throws the money on the floor. The trustees, with the exception of the one who voted “huh?,” then jump out of their seats to grab it. Whoever picks it up first, pockets the money, gets the vote and can use it as he wishes, to vote yes, partly yes, no, neigh, or “huh?” If he votes “huh?,” the village manager takes control of his vote and starts the process again. If more than three votes of “huh?” occur, the meeting is called a “profundication” and adjourned, and the trustees go out to a nearby bar to spend the twenty-dollar bills on cocktails.

Byron Lanning

Oak Park

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