Monsters of the Migraine

From the editor

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BRAD SPENCER

*****ATTENTION: PRESS RELEASE*****

It's been 20 years since they made that infamous video "The Super Bowl Shuffle" and followed it up with that resounding Super Bowl XX victory over the New England Patriots, but now their back for your own personal enjoyment. Of course though, it will cost you.

Imagine the excitement of having members of the 1985 Bears football team attend your next social engagement! The possibilities are endless!

Have Steve "Mongo" McMichael host your annual corporate meeting. He'll bring along his adorable Chihuahua and his beautiful wife Misty (a former stripper!). Say you need a celebrity bouncer to keep patrons in line at the grand opening of your fancy new nightclub. Mongo is perfect for that! Mongo is the former Bear who was thrown out of Wrigley Field in 2001 for nearly instigating a riot when he threatened the home plate umpire over the loud speaker. He's a card!

Need someone a bit more subdued? Then look no further than The Punky QB Known as McMahon. He can take his false front teeth out and show you how to drink beer and drive a vehicle in the middle of the day while wearing Wayfarers!

Need a local sports celebrity at your dinner banquet? Well then it's William "The Fridge" Perry. He'll delight and shock guests with his plucky sense of humor and his insatiable appetite. (Note: The Fridge's compensation comes in the form of the entire food platter at your banquet, so plan accordingly!)

Golf outing? Former defensive end Richard Dent wants to play. Dent will keep fellow golfers intrigued with his revealing football stories of yesteryear while he tears up Cog Hill. (FYI?#34;Dent is subject to golf rage, which may entail a wedge or two inserted into your backside. But don't fret, he'll retract it on the next hole! And it could be a putter!)

Opening a Wal-Mart, K-Mart, or Go-cart facility? Need a former sports celebrity to hawk Ford trucks? Dan Hampton will intimidate your potential customers until they either faint from fear or succumb to purchasing a new fully loaded F-10 with high interest and with a substantial down payment. He's that good!

Say you want someone from the team with more marketability for the ubiquitous products your company sells. Well, here's a guy who can pitch anything from riverboat casinos to erection medication. It's "Iron Mike" Ditka! Gold hair, sharp mustache, and unique waddle. He's yours! And in-between Ditka selling your product, the former Bears player and coach will entertain you with his operatic singing voice. He once thrilled fans with a unique rendition of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" at Wrigley Field (he sang it in Dying Quail Octave).

Don't let Ditka's dreadful color commentary during the Bears' exhibition games prevent you from hiring "Da Coach" to hawk your product. He's really very eloquently spoken.

Back in July during a Chicago City Council Committee Hearing on a possible smoking ban in public places, Ditka expressed his thoughts fluently.

"This is not a non-smoking ban if this is a smoking ban get rid of all smoking, all of it, let's go get them. If you want to do it, do it right - but don't bull(expletive) them."

So, look past the fact that this team has oversaturated itself or that it comes off as greedy with its sudden reemergence. And yes, the '85 Bears only won one Super Bowl, but they remain as relevant to Chicago as Al Capone, and wasn't he a respectable Chicagoan?

Call us today! Just dial D-E-S-P-E-R-A-T-E

Contact: bspencer@wjinc.com

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