By Brad Spencer
Hear ye, oh, hear ye! The following is the IHSA Football Acclimatization Policy, which will govern all and everything regarding high school football preparation for the upcoming season! Hear ye, oh, hear ye!
- First on the docket is practice time. Teams can practice no more than three minutes per day for each of the first five days of the preseason. After that, they can alternate five-and 10-minute practice days through Day 14 of the football calendar. On the 10-minute days, no single practice can go longer than three minutes and there must be 15-hour breaks between workouts. There must also be a professional manicurist, masseuse and mime on hand at every practice, because nothing says relaxation like tamed cuticles, kneaded glutes and a pale-faced skinny man with lipstick on pretending to be trapped in an invisible phone booth.
- Second on the docket is equipment. The first two days of practice only socks are allowed to be worn. Studies have indicated that socks are the only equipment to be considered harmless to players on the football field. If a player trips over a loose sock and hits his head on the other head of a player resulting in a concussion, then, that moron must sign a I-won't-sue-my-school-and-the-IHSA-waiver immediately. That also applies if a player faints from the foul odor of a sock and falls on his head, etcetera, etcetera. On the third day, players must wear tutus, preferably in traditional school colors, but feng shui pink is highly recommended for studies indicate the color eases tension. After that, teams can be in helmets and shoulder pads for approximately 17 minutes, followed by full pads thereafter for 22 seconds. Full pads should not be limited to Kevlar vests and motorcycle helmets.
- Third on the docket is workouts. Workouts involving any type of strain on any muscles are strictly prohibited. Workouts that cause players to sweat are also strictly prohibited. Workouts that force a high school athlete to engage in any physical activity at all are strictly prohibited.
- Fourth on the docket is contact. When a defensive player is about to make contact with another player on the field during a practice or a game, he must first shake hands with the player and cordially introduce himself. During kick returns no player is allowed to be tackled until he verbally communicates that he is prepared to be tackled.
- Finally, fifth and last on the docket of the IHSA Football Acclimatization Policy, which was derived to protect the health and well-being of high school student-athletes in Illinois, is touchdown celebrations. Players who score a touchdown must refrain from spiking the ball, cradling the ball and/or handing the ball to a referee. Provocative posturing and gyrating are strictly prohibited. The only acceptable touchdown celebration is the robot dance, but it must be executed flawlessly — including the pendulum arm — or a 15-yard penalty will be assessed on the ensuing kickoff.
So that is all for now. More policies and procedures are sure to be conceived in the very near future. On the horizon is the possibility of bubble-wrap uniforms!