A message from out of this world


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Greetings human earthlings! I am Inkbar Moonbeam Kahn III, from the planet Volkar. I am the spokesperson of my people, or the icky and slimy aliens presently hovering in thousands of spaceships above your neighborhoods. Fear us not, for we have made the voyage to your planet solely for research purposes. We are here not to partake in feasting on your scrumptious intestines, which by the way isn't entirely out of the question, but to compare and contrast our world to yours. We implore you not to take this personally, but your way of life puzzles us to the point of tentacle entanglement. Everything we see here causes us to roll our one eye in disbelief or drop our mile-long tongue in utter surprise.

For instance:

? On Earth we have learned that the price of a beer at a professional ballgame exceeds the price of a five-bedroom condo overlooking Volkar's vast and giant psychedelic mushroom plantation. Volkarites are dying to get a place on the mushroom coast, but it's so pricey.

? On Earth we have seen mutants living among humans. Most are professional ballplayers. One even apologized for using performance-enhancing drugs, while others continue to deny rumors of usage. On Volkar, steroids are as popular as asteroids. It's contracting hemorrhoids none of us want to fess up to.

? On Earth there is controversy over a golfer of the female gender playing professionally against golfers of the male gender. Michelle Wie, 15 light years old, who has taken professional golfing for both men and women by storm on Earth, is, we confess, a native of Volkar. We dropped her on Earth, along with Lance Armstrong, Tiger Woods, Wayne Gretzky, Roger Clemens, and Michael Jordan, to evaluate whether or not humans can compete at our level. So far, let's just say we've got a very good idea of who the underdog would be at the Universe Open possibly being held at Three-Headed Country Club in Volkar's Brimstone Valley in 4015.

? On Earth the New York Yankees are currently in third place in the East Division, despite a payroll of over $200 million. On Volkar, the New York Yankees have never left first place in 200 years, despite a payroll of 20 meteor pebbles.

? On Earth a ballplayer (Kenny Rogers) can assault cameramen and still make the All-Star team?#34;not to mention sing eloquent country songs. On Volkar, if you assault a camera or anything otherwise, you're flushed out to space.

? On Earth no fans have seemed to protest professional hockey's lengthy hiatus. On Volkar, hockey is the planet's national pastime and its main source of nuclear energy. The mere thought of no hockey brings slime to my eye.

? On Earth there's a sport called NASCAR, where vehicles travel at speeds of over 200 mph. On our planet, that's called the Volkar Expressway.

? On Earth the Chicago Cubs haven't won a World Series in 97 years. On Volkar, the Chicago Cubs haven't won a World Series in 97 years.

? One other thing we seem to have in common is the football stadium in Chicago called Soldier Field. It looks to be an exact duplicate of our Mother Ship. We are considering a lawsuit.

Earthlings, we leave you just as you are: strange indeed. So long, or do you prefer beam me up Scotty, or how about Na-nu na-nu? Weirdos.

CONTACT: bspencer@wjinc.com

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